As promised, this is the completed post. Sorry i couldnt link the first and second part very well…oh well…i was pleased with this post nevertheless.

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Many asked the Lord, ” Why me Lord, WHY ME?” when found in trying circumstances, in trials and in failures(often the works of their own engineering).

I want to ask the Lord, “WHY AM I SO BLESSED???”

I worked at Astons Specialties Cathay outlet for a total of 4 months. (end feb to end march, beginning july to end of august) Many (including my parents) have told me to find a more “respectable” job, with higher pay than the meagre $5/h wage i earned. Staff at Astons the Cathay work long hours, 12 hour shift for a full-time and part-time of normally 5 hours to be entitled a free meal (anything on the usual menu with exclusion of the  column of “legendary steaks and chops”, salmon and seafood spag and beef burger. That still means that we have quite a number of choices! I often wondered (while taking orders from customers) why they would want to queue for so long and eat just chicken…shouldn’t they order some fancy steak to make it worth the wait. Then I had my answer as well. The chicken is good! The steaks at Suntec outlet are better! I had taken the staff meal thing for granted…we can drink all dispenser drinks and famous home-made ice lemon tea all we want, take soup as we want as long as you ask the managers first, and they have never said no.

Why  this little inside information on a very popular casual western-style restaurant whose incredibly long queues are more famous(or infamous) than its food selection? Because I was there at God’s appointment (on hindsight) and I learnt much.

I learnt Chinese..and now i can carry out a simple conversation with you with some ease and much difficulty. I learnt how as a manager one has to maintain a disciplined focus on doing the right things, teaching staff his knowledge and pointing out their shortcomings with a gentle and often humorous touch. On the other hand, it’s the balancing act of maintaining that focus, and creating a tight bond with his staff. Does this sound like a description of a christian? I’m afraid I will have to disappoint you. He’s a staunch Muslim. I had started a conversation with him about God, and i couldnt satisfying answer his questions, which were too deep for me to take on at point in time (Mar).

Four months later, when i have embarked on the study of the book of Daniel with the rest of QBC Senior Youths 2009, i found myself in a much better position to deal with his questions- what is life, why do people suffer, why are there tragedies and why didn’t God save, etc…

The Astons i came back to was vastly different from the one i had departed with. The managers have increased to 4- Hardy, Kenny, Steven and June. The set-up of the pantry, my favourite station, has changed, and so did the method of serving. More significantly, the people-the staff- that i have once worked with had since left. There were only 3 familiar faces of those i knew- Huimin and Qiao Mei and uncle Dennis. The new Astons “team” is much older in age, hence slower but kinder and their life stories brought me much brokenness.

Ah June’s sudden departure still shook me and the thoughts of her bring tear to my eyes quite easily. Ah June was the supervisor who was squarish, authoritative and decisive in her work, who was loud, hot-tempered and demanding of her staff, but, she will be remembered always for being ever so kind, caring, attentive to the needs of customers and her staff, even more so for being always joyous and bluntly humorous.  Ah June was the nicest lady boss i had who allowed me to eat when i was hungry and asked me to eat non-oily food when i had sore throat. Ah June was the jovial and lovable aunty  who affectionately told me, “Chris, i will miss you you know” when i told her i would leave at the end of August.I just didnt know she would beat me to saying farewell.

Ah June would never be seen again at the Astons the Cathay outlet hosting her customers or politely asking them “how was your meal?” if she was the cashier. Her unexpected demise left staff and management of the Astons in a profound shock and loss. She was one of the most dedicated managers the company would have. What led to her suicide will never be revealed to me, a mere employee but i felt i was somehow responsible now. Ah June never knew Christ…never knew the Love of God, the saving Grace of Jesus Christ that would surely see her through all her emotional turmoils.

My greatest regret leaving Astons was not able to tell her about Jesus. I was seen praying for my meals every time, and Ah June made a comment on it, yet i never took the chance to say why or of the God that has me thanking Him everyday for my food. I just thought i would always see Ah June…

Tragedies take place because of sins, of our human weakness and our refusal to depend on a God that is more powerful and greater than any of our sorrows, pitiful circumstances or the abyss of darkness we experience emotionally. I was once down there, i once comtemplated suicide and was driven to almost take my life. I’m not lying. I was a christian and i could think of suicide, let alone a non-christian.

Satan is so…scary. He plays on the emotions which drive the mind to follow his instructions- destructive thoughts that overpower any rational behaviour. BUT JESUS CHRIS T OUR SAVIOR HAS OVERCOME SATAN.

He died for us! He died so you and i can live victoriously! He died so we can commune with God and take refuge in God’s shelter of Grace, mercy, forgiveness and Love. He has risen and conquered the grave! We are no longer slaves to sins and darkness!

I wish i could turn back time and tell dear Ah June this. I wish i was stronger in my faith, i was more knowledgeable of the Word, i was more in Love with Christ. I wish Ah June was saved; because oh Lord, SHE DESERVES to be saved!

There are just so many good and righteous people i knew who never Christ, people that would put the average christians (they are not christians then because no christian should be average!) to shame! i WISH I WAS MORE COURAGEOUS AND TELL THEM GOD LOVES THEM and they do not have to go to hell!

My Beloved, I can only pray. And i will, and i will get on my knees and pray for you.

Day by day , dear Lord,

Let me touch may lives for You.

By Your Spirit,

quicken every life

by the words i speak,

the prayers i breathe,

or the life i live…

and all for Jesus’s sake.

Amen

I have to eat my words. I wont be able to continue all my unfinished posts. i REALLY did want to finish them because all the thoughts are still swimming around my head and i need to record them down. They are important. So when i’m over there, after all the hype and hustle of Freshers’ Week, after i’ve settled into the mesmerisingly beautiful capital of Scotland the walls of its university, i will start writing again. I really want to sit in the cafe where J.k Rowling once sat and just read and write whilst taking sips from a wonderfully hot cup of coffee. I won’t be perturbed by the noise of the streets and humans; i’ll be left to indulge in my solitude and my soliloquy with the Almighty.

Or i can just write on the plane. =P

Anyway, before i forget, this will be of interest to some of you:

TU 116 Turner House

Pollock Halls of Residence

18 Holyrood Park Road

Edinburgh EH16  5AY

This is valid till Chrismas, after i dont know…yet.

This might be of more interest :

Flight number: BA0016 From: Changi (Singapore) Terminal 1 To: Heathrow (London) Depart: 11 Sep 2009 23:10 Arrive: 12 Sep 2009 05:45 Class: World Traveller Operated by: British Airways Booking status: Confirmed

I’m really incredibly, overwhelmingly grateful to everyone who have prayed for me, spoken very kind encouraging words, padded my shoulder to tell me, “Study hard and shine for the Lord!”, promised to pray and lend support for MOLI (yes i definitely have not forgotten her), have given very needed advice about living in the land of strong wind and rain, from”its very cold x 1000″ and “you’re going to hate the cold x 100″ to “KEEP IN TOUCH! x 100″ and “do not get an angmoh boyfriend x 4″.

To YOU a standing ovation and a simple big THANK YOU! XD

I hardly quote the Bible here in this blog i thought, so now i would want to quote a very tiny number of favourite quotes, may they bless you as they have blessed/will bless me.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

Psalms 119:105 NIV

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith

Hebrews 12:2a

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 2: 22

but if you return to me and obey my commands, then even if you exiled people are at the farthest horizon, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place I have chosen as a dwelling for My Name.

Nehemiah 1: 9

Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:8

Dearest Beloved, i will end as usual with a song, this is one of my favourite choral pieces of all time. I always remember fondly the performances we had for this song and it is also truly a prayer i have for myself and you.

Let there be peace on earth

Music and lyrics: Jill Jackson Miller and Sy Miller (1955)

Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on earth
The peace that was meant to be.
With God as our father
Brothers(and sisters) all are we.
Let me walk with my brother
In perfect harmony.

Let peace begin with me
Let this be the moment now.
With every step i take
Let this be my solemn vow.
To take each moment
And live each moment
With peace eternally.
Let there be peace on earth,
And let it begin with me.

Today blogging begins in the city of Edinburgh, Scotland, in the land i’m already in Love with, almost settled down (still looking and praying for a suitable baptist church) and finally, ready to pen my various thoughts.

This is just an update. I’m still really busy getting all the necessities done and making sure i’m ready as i can be for a new academic year to start. I know all this cannot be done without the Help of my Lord. So God, i pray you will continue to help me!

I want you to know:

• I FOUND A JAPANESE RESTAURANT! (sorry this is really…loll…quite something to me)
• I’m quite close to finding a good church- it will be hard because there are many good baptist churches around. Charlotte Chapel and Duncan Street are two very possible choices. Please pray.
• I’m eating more and the food from the restaurant in Pollock halls is really not bad. =)
• I’ve talked to quite a few very interesting people and found: the friendliest people are the scotts and irish, followed by the international students except the chinese cos i have not talked to most, and followed by the general brits. (this is with regards to freshers.)
• my neighbours are clubbers and im not one- NEVER WILL BE ONE.(may the Almighty help me, because indeed, the influence to drink is incredibly wide-spread and my alcohol tolerence is so low it can be said zero.)
• I love my room- 2 steps from toilet which can be bad thing, allows me to see partially arthur’s seat, the city and a clear sunrise.
• Ive found a few acsians and crescentians- one of them do not like acs(i) girls.
• I was greeted by the sun on arrival- RARE…and gosh how surprising and yet…im thankful.
• I’m really in Love with Edinburgh- it has got to be one of the most beautiful places in Europe.
• I’ve been in commune with my God rather regularly.
• The Lord Almighty, whose Love is exemplified in Jesus Christ, has been a tremendous support and His grace and Love can never be measured- i’m experiencing it everyday.
• I’m just thankful Jesus died for my sins, His death redeemed me a wretched being and the King of heaven and earth cares so much more for me than any earthly human can. Lord, i thank you.
• I’m going to pray.

I can’t believe i didnt bring my file of scores to Edinburgh! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. I have it all ready, a whole file worth of scores that i can easily choose from to sing for my upcoming audition for the Edinburgh University Chamber Choir on friday night. Now, with no scores, no lasting memory of  any classical pieces(and they were many!) that i have sung in the past 6 years, i’m in a dire situation and desperately looking for a good piece of classic i CAN sing in TWO DAYS.

Im very nervous and excited- the choir requires strict audition and that means they are very good. =) the bad news is that i really might not get in. I havent sung chorally  in 2 YEARS.

This leads me to : PLEASE PRAY FOR ME. THANK YOU.

Please pray that i will somehow get my hand(and memory) on a good piece of choral music and sing it well. That i wont be too nervous (like i was at the SYC audition) and i will be able to sing my best. I really reallyx infinity want to be part of them. i BELIEVE i can do it!

There is an alternative if i dont get in though- the Edinburgh university Renaissance Choir- quite similar to the chamber one and they do very classical music as well. oh well…and they are needing soprani haha…hayz….

thanks…i’m in the library searching for music scores and i realise i need to search God first, and i know, like so many times before, He will honor my desires because they are indeed legitimate needs, not desires sometimes. GOD PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE HELP ME!

I realise i have blogged about many types of Love and never really touched on romantic love. Sorry, i must admit it was due to a deliberate avoidance of the subject, which i always want to cast sideways.

Im not really qualified to talk to about romantic love- i have never had a real official relationship with anyone. Believe it. I shall not waste my time elaborating.

But, that does not mean i have not loved. If only Love, or love, can be defined…but because i cannot define it any other way than using 1 John 4:8b, i can only say I have loved because i did care for someone quite unconditionally ( in terms of the person lacking usual desirable qualities like money, education, looks etc) and i  was attracted to them because they were hard-working, kind, modest, caring and morally sound. There were Christians and there were non-christians. They are friends and they are not. They liked/loved me and they not.

I’m feeling rather uneasy at this very moment penning these thoughts, because they are incredibly private. At the same time, i need to be…human. I have to show myself i do think about romantic love and blogging about this is quite therapeutic.

Those so-called experiences, they were often the results of mistakes and disobedience to God or the lack of knowledge of God in my life. I sometimes i wish i was emotionally stronger and more stable, and yet, i am now thankful for being so “easy to fall in love”, quoting Eryn Kwong, because these experiences though trivial, taught me much about romantic love and myself.

I realised, only very recently, why i was the person i was. I went looking for Love in the wrong places because i was insecure; i lacked Love in the family, and i was not strong in my Love for Christ( the latter is more obvious). I just understood only months ago that i was looking for something to replace the very Love i wanted from my parents and the people i was very close with. After the demise of my very dear grandpa and aunt, i never felt that anyone from the family(extended or immediate) understood me well. That explains my heart’s little endeavours.

Now that I know i’m much more secured in Christ’s Love and God’s grace, i’m definitely more emotional stable. =) A proof is that i find none of the guys on campus very attractive so far haha. They can be dashingly handsome and charming with their gentlemanly manners and polite speech, and they are really good to look at for brainless entertainment, but other than that, they can’t really pull a heartstring heh.

If i would ever find someone attractive, he would definitely be a member of the Christian Union( and there are many good-looking and God-loving guys in the CU mind you).

Inexperienced as i am in relationships (as in THOSE relationships), i could set 3 criteria for finding a suitable bf/husband when i was just 15. These criteria still apply =D. The guy must be:

1. A Christian
2. smarter than me
3. taller than me

Very easy to fulfill hahaha…. =P

Let me amuse myself by explaining WHY. They are by the way in that order of importance.

Being A christian is a command from God- we must not be equallly yoked with unbelievers.(this is an edit: THANKS SHEILA! HAHAHA =P)It also covers his character- if he calls himself a christian, he must then Love Christ and desires to be Christ-like. In doing so, he fulfills most qualities most women would want in a man (i.e kind, caring, understanding etc etc).

Second, hahaha, being smarter than me is pretty important i realise. My parents wouldn’t even entertain the guy if he’s not as educated as me. It would be better if he is better educated than me. Smarter is quite vague- to put simply, he must be someone i admire. Being smarter than me is quite easy (remember: im below school’s average), but being someone i admire is quite….hmm…something else. =)

Thirdly. hahahaha LOLL…sorry this is pure random…but i dont like guys who are short. (sorry, im not saying i dont like my friends who are short but im just saying in the case of finding a bf) I love the Holywood and media-inspired picture of a man being taller than the woman hehehe =P. Aslo hahaha, i want my kids to be tall. xD

On a more serious note, i actually tried and tested this “formula”, and it works. Whoever fulfills at least the first 2 are usually accepted by my parents and maybe myself. Whoever i liked who did not/does not fulfill those 2 are definitely rejected by all who know me. The third is really pure random and personal preference lolll…

okok…i really had quite a lot of fun writing this. and now i need to sleep. i WILL add some biblical references this soon. in the meantime, good night!

hello dear =)

i miss you.

Hello readers of this blog,

I hope you have had some good reads among some other rather frivolous blogging. What can i say, i am a girl. =)

Anyway, i want you to know that you are very welcome to read whatever that is published on this blog. And i also want you to know this blog is really about me and my inspirations. I write for myself. I’m that selfish but i also realise how much some of you might be able to benefit from my experiences and how much God would want people to know about Him through His servant, hence the invitation for you to read.

I’m very aware of my audiences, and there are things i would never reveal here but in moments when i’m much in need of a channel, a space to pour out my thoughts, i will come here regardless of the audience. This blog is my space…and in those moments, my thoughts, my prayers are really for God rather for anyone else.

I have observed that if blogs fail to be personal, they succeed to be private. Nobody would want to visit them. =P WordPress allows me to see the volume of traffic to this blog in charts and it helps. I know when i’m boring and when im really interesting. Math and chart are useful, trust me. =P

Tonight…is one of those moments i want to dedicate my thoughts and prayers to God. So for a while, i’ll pretend no one reads.

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Dearest Love,

I know i can go and watch movies with Irene and Sawdah right now and it would bring me some temporary respite from my path towards emotional valley but i can’t. I did that by going to the Ceilidh yesterday and there’s no way i can do twice. I need to see you Lord. I need You to tell me why, oh why, i fail so utterly at something i really love, something i absolutely i adore. God why??? Why am i denied the one thing i really want…its not even bad, its not even ugly or displeasing to You Father. WHY? Im sorry, im so sorry i failed to rejoice in Your decision, that i gave thanks out of obedience rather than willingness. I have never regretted joining the BB and quitting acs choir. I never did. But God, would i be a better singer if i stayed? I was so…unhappy! How could i have learnt the way i did in CGS? I know it was something right…and yet…doubts just flood my mind now.

Oh Lord i’ve learnt to reverse the flow of my tears! I couldnt find my tears in moments i really want to cry. I’ve learnt to swallow them all inside and look so calm and composed in front of  Man. Is that because it’s not worth the tears? is it because i’m supposed to be stronger than that? is it because tears show so much weakness and emotions i want to hide? or is it Father, because only tears for You are worth let flowing?

Then….THIS is worth crying? I didn’t ask for this Lord. I’m so sorry but i really didnt. Ive never prayed for this. I’m such a fool, such a deceivable naive gullible fool! You alone is enough. Jesus is enough. Your Love alone fills me with overflowing portions.

I’m so sorry i never can remember all the people i have to pray for. Im sorry Lord my own needs fill my prayers these few days. Oh my God, forgive me and give me the strength to pray for them.

I love You Lord. It takes all of me to Love You and because that is all i’m really here to do, to Love and glorify You, please give me the strength to do so.

And I love You so
The people ask me how,
How I’ve lived ’til now’
I tell them I don’t know

I guess they understand,
How lonely life has been,
But life began again,
The day You took my hand

And yes, I know how lonely life can be,
The shadows followed me and the night won’t set me free

But I don’t let the evening get me down,
Now that You’re around me

And You Love me too,
Your thoughts are just for me,
You set my spirit free,
I’m happy that You do

The book of life is brief,
And once a page is read,
All but Love is dead,
That is my belief

And yes I know,
How lonely life can be,
The shadows follow me and the night won’t set me free

But I don’t let
The evening get me down,
Now that you’re around me

And I love you so
The people ask me how
How I’ve lived ’til now
I tell them I don’t know

Music and lyrics: Don Mclean

I will praise You, Oh Lord, with all my heart;

I will tell of all Your wonders.

I will be glad and rejoice in You;

I will sing praise to Your name,

O Most High.

Psalms 9: 1-2

I stumbled on this while looking for my biblical references for this post. Well, it’s not about romantic Love but somehow i feel very compelled to put this up.

I think all who desire to marry should read this.  I take incredible pride in being girl reading this because there are so many things a wife CAN DO! It is such a high-calling for the girls, but hmm…it is definitely achievable in Christ Jesus .=)

To my dearest fellow FEMALE BELOVED

Adopt ZERO TOLERANCE towards male chauvinism!

But indeed also be patient and forgiving towards the people. =)

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.

¹⁵ She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.

¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.

²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

²² She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”

³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

³¹ Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Proverbs 31: 10-31 NIV

I’m writing excessively again i know. But well well well…ain’t these posts interesting??? XD

I have to admit i’m not much a reader, but i like books heh. I love bookstores and i also dont like them because i tend to spend TOO much time in them! I much prefer reading LYRICS of songs…hehehe…they are a form or poetry in a way and i like poems (when i dont have to analyse them for exams). These few songs have beautiful lyrics and to me, they speak about romantic love- all its pains and its joys- much better than any book can.

In no particular order…. song titles and the (my preferred) performers.

• Break me-Jewel
• Love will lead you back- Taylor Dayne
• In this life- Ronan Keating
• Goodbye- Air supply
• Beautiful- Jennifer Paige
• Right here waiting- Richard Marx
• Now and forever- Richard Marx
• Flying without wings- Weslife
• Turn back time- Aqua
• Be a man- Aqua
• Was I the only one- Jordin Sparks
• Cradle- Atomic Kittens
• Sleepsong- Secret Garden
• What if- Kate Winslet
• Un-break my heart- Tony Braxton
• Save the best for last- Vanessa Williams
• A whole new world- Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle
• Beauty and the beast- Celine Dion
• Because you love me- Celion Dion
• All the way- Celine Dion
• Have you ever been in love- Celion Dion
• Je t’aime encore- Celine Dion (its in english)
• My all- Mariah Carey
• Crazy- Lisa Ono
• To be with you- Caroline Lost
• Back for good- Take that
• Colours- Amos Lee feat. Norah Jones
• Promise me- Beverley Raven
• You needed me- Boyzone
• When you tell me that you love me-Diana Ross
• Not as we- Alanis Morissette
• When you’re gone- Avril Lavigne
• Come back to me- Utada
• Come back to me- David Cook
• Blind- Lifehouse
• Umbrella- Mandy Moore
• 4 in the morning- Gwen Stephanie
• On the side of me- Corrinne May
• Same side of the moon- Corrinne May
• Sometimes- Britney Spears

ok…i can go on and on..but these are just mine heh. So then, what are yours? =)

It’s a been a heck of week! Freshers’ Week(FW) here in Edinburgh University comes to a close yesterday. I think if i have to describe FW in one word, it would be…hectic! hahaha =)

I must say there is definitely a reason why the Edinburgh University Student Association(EUSA) proudly claimed they have the reputation for organising one of UK’s best FW. It was really well-done!

There were activities for everyone, regardless of age, background, preferences, influences or whatnot. They managed to cater to all, and you can never say it was boring because there were so many activities to do! And then, you can also say it is if you choose to not participate; nothing is really compulsory except for the process of matriculation and academic introductory talks by the different schools. Nothing was childish like the ones i have heard of in Singapore, and nothing too mundane for you to say it wasn’t worth going for.

Here is the list of stuff I’ve managed to do during the week: (Activity name and organiser)

1. Worship- Christian Union (CU)
2. Simply Scottish- CU
3. Academic Fair- All Schools and Colleges
4. Living as a Christian- CU
5. Societies Fair- EUSA and all clubs and societies
6. Grub Crawl ( 2 groups of about 20 ppl went to 4 different flats to complete their dinner =))- CU
7. Book Tour ( not tour to bookstores =S, but rather to places famous authors originating from the university had once studied/lived/frequented)- EUSA
8. ‘Aladdin’ Open air Showing- Film Society
9. Small Group meeting- CU (Turner House)
10. Ceilidh!(scottish mass dancing, BEST MASS DANCE you will ever experience!)- CU
11. Church search(different churches putting up booths, something like your CCA fair)-CU

This is excluding the compulsory stuff like academic introductory talks, meeting with Director of Studies(DOS) and auditions.

Finally, I’m very pleased to announce, I HAVE FOUND MY CHURCH. =D It is:

Charlotte Baptist Chapel (CBC)

I just want to thank God and His incredible providence and guidance, comfort and JOY .=) I’m extremely ministered after attending two of the services here ( 2 different services with different speakers- morning and evening) today. The passages were Psalms 138 and 42,43. I just felt God’s Word touching me to the very depth of my being and His reminder for me to CAST MY CARES ON HIM. Felt really comfortable there and already found a punch of wonderfully friendly people who walked me home tonight. Thank you, Laura, Jenny, Ruth and Richard! =)

I really do not like church-hopping, so if i find myself being very comfortable in a church and this one was actually recommended by Rev Dr Lim Teck Peng ( Chairman, or izzit Director? of the Baptist Theological Seminary and former pastor of my church) to me, i would just start to grow roots there heh. Their teaching is very Bible-based and very Christ-centered. I’m very happy. =)

Hayz, that’s life indeed. It throws you lemon and lime all the time ( i do not like sour stuff). I’m glad i can still make lemonade and lime juice out of them ( i dont mind both hehe) hahaha. i MUST declare tonight, God is Good all the time. =)

I dont know why, but i have this immeasurable urge to publish these photos. Enjoy =)

Sorry, excuse me for a while, i need to use this space as my white piece of paper and organise my the most earthly essential thing i’m supposed to do right now- my studies.

List of approved courses for Semester 1

1. Introduction to Politics and International  Relations(IPIR)
   • compulsory
   • semester-long (20 credits)
2. International Law
   • compulsory
   • semester long(20 credits)

French 1B (advanced french)

• very very demanding!!!
• 1-year course (40 credits)

• Director of Studies: Dr Elizabeth Bomberg

I was quite disappointed when i was told by Dr Bomberg that i could only do 60 credits this semester and that if i could prove the school that i can handle 3 courses very well, she would allow me to take more than 60 credits in the 2nd semester.

On this note, i’m very thankful i have Dr Bomberg, the IPIR’s course organiser and so she really knows the admin side of everything i would need to know. I was not assigned to her at first and i was quite unhappy with my initial DOS ( a guy lol) and now i feel much better. THANK YOU, GOD! =D

I realised today she might be right and i thank her for insisting that i take just 60, because French 1B is sure demanding! I attended my first intro lecture today and it was very intimidating sitting next to native speakers and people who are really incredibly well-versed in French. I was also the only Asian in a full lecture theatre of 240 – talk about fitting in/standing out.

Now…some organisation of my schedule is crucial because french takes up a lot of slots in my timetable!

Things i need to do by this week:

1. Sign up for tutorials for french
2. Figure out where is the academic office of the french department lol
3. Print about 5 dossiers of notes and read them!
4. Buy my french LITERATURE books
5. Sign up for tutorials for all courses
6. Design notebooks, organise FILES, notes

I feel incredibly intimidated (did i say that already!) sitting in that lecture theatre. Gosh, i would have to work so hard for an A and my dear classmates can just breeze by. Irene and Esther, you are going to tutor me! Im very excited, that im the only Asian daring enough to take advanced/intensive french. Again at the same time, i hope i wont drown while trying to swim heh. Then again, I have God, and I know with Him, all things are possible. =)

Now to some other matters, I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT FILES IN SINGAPORE. oh gosh, i wanted to strangle a person (who should-not-be-named) when i gritted my teeth and paid about 5 pounds for some very unsatisfactory files!

Other than that, I RECEIVED MY FIRST MAIL =D Thank you Asra dear, you are sooo sweeet! =) It was really totally unexpected! How are you! I’ll find you on facebook haha. =)

okie…now back to la plus belle langue- francais!

to Jesus Christ!=D

Hahaha that title  hopefully shocked some of you!

I admire many people, most of them are women (duh) and most are single (double duh) but i’ve come to discovered that i admittedly admire more the strong-willed Christ-centred God-loving married women. Here a list of women i really learnt a lot from personally or from books or MOVIES =D (there are some fictional characters loll…)

1. Diana Dang Minh Phuong: wife of John Lek- hahaha =P
   • someone whose life is the best role model i can ever have- right in my own home!
2. Sarah Edwards: wife of Jonathan Edwards
   • check then out on wiki if you dont know who they are hahaha. I only recently learnt of her life story and it’s very inspirational.
3. Jennifer Tham: wife of Albert Yeo haha
   • MY former conductor, conductor of SYC Ensemble Singers; i really idolised her for a long while.
4. Kay Arthur: wife of Jack Arthur
   • They are the founders of Precept Ministries International. She’s one person whose life i would take as role model.
5. Yim Phui Fun: wife of Raymond Foong – hahaha =D
   • no one very famous, but someone very loved and admired by me!- you wouldnt be able to find much about her googling. You can ask me about her though. =)
6. Beatrix Potter: wife of William Heelis
   • famous author of the tale of Peter Rabbit. I will definitely visit Lake District because of her. Check out the movie.
7. Elizabeth Bennett: wife of Mr.Darcy
   • lol my favourite fictional character of ALL time. Check out pride and prejudice BOTH the book and movie.
8. Gabrielle ‘Coco’ Chanel
   • Founder of Chanel, i’m Chanel’s biggest fan (although i dont own any Chanel stuff at the moment) because of this lady! Oh gosh, such poise, grace and strength! And she gave a very good reason for girls to have short hair; long hair gets in the way of work! =D
9. Jane Austen
   • If you love the creature, you have to love the creator! Her life is quite sad…and yet her books are the best CHICK-FLICKS you can get! (indeed during her time they were regarded so)- check the movie as well.
10. Georgina Cavendish duchess of Devonshire: wife of the Duke (duh)
    • sad marriage and sadder life and yet she’s so inspirational and strong-willed and admirable! (even inspite of her affair with Charles Earl Grey)

In relation to that, movies i would recommend ALL GIRLS/LADIES/WOMEN to watch. If you are a guy/man, i admire you for watching them hahaha =P. In order of my preference:

1. Pride and Prejudice (2005,  starring Keira Knightley)
   • check out the book after that, as usual, it’s always better than the movie in some way. BUT the movie is a gem on its own rights.
2. Coco avant Chanel (2009, starring Audrey Tautou)
   • BEST fashion movie i have/you will ever watch! Very very inspirational! And great treat for those who love haute couture and fashion.
3. Mona Lisa Smile (2003, starring Julia Roberts)
   • i watched it many times, and i feel very connected/touched/inspired/challenged by this character. A champion for women’s rights (not equal to feminism)
4. Miss Potter (2006, starring Renee Zellweger)
   • about the life of above-mentioned Beatrix Potter. Oh man i LOVE THE SOUNDTRACK! and the young version of William Heelis is very handsome hehehe. =P
5. Becoming Jane (2007, starring Anne Hathaway
   • About the life of Jane Austen. Very sad, very nice performance by Anna Hathaway although the fake accent is quite annoying.
6. Memoirs of a Geisha ( 2005, starring Zhang Ziyi)
   • My favourite of Zhang ziyi in a long time, discounting her debut…this is incredibly well put-together movie and won an Oscar for artistic direction. The story is not very inspiring, but it is heart-warming. All girls should watch to know they are very fortunate.
7. The Duchess( 2008, starring Keira Knightley)
   • Life story of above-mentioned duchess. I would rate this NC 16. I think it is rated NC 16??? haha anyway, i think this is more for ladies than girls, but it is so moving! It’s heart-wrenching and i love keira knightley!

I realise for every year except 2004 i have a favourite (almost) feminist movie to love! I’m always on the lookout for movies that empower women and actually teach girls to be strong, independent and opinionated regardless of their circumstances. They dont all promote Godly attributes of women but they still serve to be very good movies to inspire young girly minds. =)

Now girls, what/who are your favourites???

On a more frivolous note, i recently splurged on books and felt quite guilty for about 2 minutes hehehe. (24 POUNDS!) I have at hand 6 incredibly good reads and ive devoured 1 1/2. Wont tell you what books because i dont enjoy being the object of entertainment heh (you will definitely smile/laugh if you know).

On a very random note, i didnt know John Wesley had such a sad life.

Now, on a serious note, i’m going to spend time with my husband =D, and beloved books. Good night!

For those who thought i must have, in all the excitement starting university and living in Edinburgh, forgotten MOLI, i want to reassure you i most certainly have not. It was just me finding it not appropriate to talk about her then.

MOLI is never far from my mind. In everything that i have experienced here,  i continue to be encouraged that MOLI is indeed needed, not because i judge (although i tend to and im very repentant of this) those around me and say they need Christ but rather because Christ judges me and say they need Him.

For those who are unfamiliar to with MOLI (you shouldnt be…click the 3nd button up on the menu at this very page!), she is:

• Ministry of Love (International)
• an aspired Christian NGO at her very very premature infancy.
• dedicated to the youths, especially young women and will be run by the youth (with help from the young- in-spirit haha)
• to be Christ-centred, Bible-based and existing ONLY for God’s glory; nothing else is accepted.
• founded on the very inspirations which many of you readers inspired.
• currently needing much care, much thoughts, much nurturing, much LOVE, just like an baby GIRL heh.
• my current hope and consolation in many ways and not one way: Jesus Christ is still my ultimate joy, hope and strength.

I have pondered many nights about how, in my 4 years here in Edinburgh, MOLI can grow in the direction God has wanted it. I’m still baffled by the immense foundational work that is needed for MOLI. I have been praying diligently everyday for Her (not always on-my-knees fashion but still prayer nevertheless) and i always ask God the same question, “what am i to do now???”

I don’t think God would reveal the answer in a simple manner. Amidst all the mess of thoughts and my lack of coherence at the moment, i’m quite clear of what MOLI would be in a way…in the way that i had envisioned for her to be on that night she was born. I hope that Christ will honor my desires and let Her grow somehow in that direction.

There are moments here when i have almost blurted MOLI out to christians whom i found to be on the same wavelength. Somehow, i didnt; maybe it was the Holy Spirit telling me to be wise and wait for the right time. I’m always impatient; one of my weakness, or maybe, strength.

I’ve met several theologians-in-training who are not really interested in going to full-time ministry but rather in aid work. I’ve befriended many who are very Christ-like. I think it is about knowing my brothers and sisters in Christ enough before i can tell them about MOLI. I think i also have the responsibility to show them what kind of a Christian i am.

On a very random note, i thank God for answering prayers- i managed to spend more time with the non-christian friends i prayed for. Lord, give me the wisdom and courage to tell them about You. Everything is beautiful in Your time. =)

A song i love…just want to share it with you =)

Don’t know much -click

Lyrics and music: Barry Mann, Cynthia Weil and Tom Snow

Performed by: Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville

Look at this face
I know the years are showin
Look at this life
I still dont know where its goin

I dont know much
But I know I love You
And that may be
All I need to know

Look at these eyes
They never seen what mattered
Look at these dreams
So beaten and so battered 

I dont know much
But I know I love You
And that may be
All I need to know

So many questions
Still left unanswered
So much
I’ve never broken through

And when I feel You near me
Sometimes I see so clearly
The only Truth Ive ever known
to me is You

Look at this man
So blessed with inspiration
Look at this soul
Still searching for salvation

I dont know much
But I know I love You
And that may be
All I need to know

I dont know much
But I know I love You
That may be
All I need to know

I dont know much
But I know I love You
That may be
All there is to know

You were meant for me

Music and lyrics: Jewel

I hear the clock, it’s 6am
I feel so far from where I’ve been
I got my eggs and I’ve got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you
I break the yolks and make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
Wipe the spots above the mirror
Don’t leave the keys in the door
I never put wet towels on the floor anymore

CHORUS
Cause…
Dreams last for so long
Even after you’re gone
I know, that you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn’t wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken and more people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn’t the same
Cause it was happy or I was sad
And it made me miss you oh so bad

CHORUS
Cause…
Dreams last for so long
Even after you’re gone
I know, that you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you

BRIDGE
I go about my business, I’m doing fine
Besides, what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken every day

I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up, and then I turn the sheets down
And then I take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pj’s and hop into bed
I’m half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it will be all right
I just shouldn’t think anymore tonight

CHORUS
Cause…
Dreams last for so long
Even after you’re gone
And I know, you love me
And soon i know you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you
Yeah, you were meant for me
And I was meant for you

Of MOLI.

I wanted to do this a long long time ago but never thought it appropriate till now or was too lazy haha. Here you go… again..1 picture is word 1000 words.

The place

I came here because this is the BEST CAFE in existent in Singapore. I might be biased, but check this out: They serve the best coffee in singapore hands down, they have the most comfortable seats for a cafe. There is PLENTY of EMPTY space and hence a very quiet atmosphere. They’ve got attentive and nice staff to compliment this.

I think God chose this place…it’s  where Vietnam meets Singapore- most well-known Vietnam coffee brand in Clark Quay Singapore heh.

The energy source (LOL)

My favourite cup of coffee- Creation. So apt…

The fruit

I know…i sux as a photog, but i didnt want to stand up straight to take this. This is the fruit of my doodling and thoughts after about 15 mins?

After another 15-minutes.

The aftermath

My cup of physical energy is fruitfully spent. =)

My accompanies- faithful Ipod, Pilot pen and hair tie =P

I remembered it was 8pm when i left…and what else did i do after delivering MOLI?

NEXT POST!

I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves =D

The list…the completed one.

This list was edited about 3-4 times. See GUYS, i actually THOUGHT of you! I just didnt have time. Sorry! I’ll do something for you all for Christmas. That’s a promise!

The plan

Hehehehe… =D

I didnt have time to doodle the designs for this list + BB GIRLS. But…hey…I hope everyone liked their present =D

I know i should be sleeping. I know i have my readings to do, no, correction, reading to do. And, I also know i need to pray. AND…i know my academic day starts only at 12 noon =D

So here i am, perfectly excused(right…) to pen my thoughts ( too many thoughts), so my chest can deflate with an enormous sigh of relief, and i can go to bed without thoughts swimming actively in my head.

I often wonder any reader of this blog, anyone at all for that matter, just anyone, has so much time in the world they browse through EVERY content of this blog and read EVERYTHING that is meant to be read. That includes my two previous blogs.

I always have a resounding, unifying voice of “OF COURSE NO” in my mind when i ask myself this. I mean, come on! There is SO MUCH to read! Even if you are some avid readers (and i know quite a few visitors of this blog are), you would find it a chore to read through EVERYTHING, especially my previous blogs-archive of about 5 years worth of blogging! This is not to mention the sheer small size of the text, the ambiguous layout of my blogs and the obvious lack of graphic to deter any keen intruder to my once very private space. Surely, SERIOUSLY!, you must have better thing to do than to read through them all!

I have never chosen my blog layout in the past so to deter readers or visitors. Only on hindsight i realise how much they helped to keep my blog and my thoughts incredibly private. In very similar fashion to the epic email that was sent  out about a month back, the posts often look incredibly boring-full of words and mostly LONG to any passing visitor, and yet, i must admit ( sorry if i seem to indulge in some self-praising for the moment lolll) they are quite interesting! They are interesting to me, (well not all…but most are) and if i find it interesting, a few others should as well!

And…i never wanted to share it with many, or any sometimes. I wanted to delete them off at a time, just never got around to doing that (thank GOD!) and then i let the thousands of websites and blogs on the world wide web devour them- never meant to be visited or read again. I just didn’t realise Google still exists. LOL.

Tonight i contemplated for a moment the possibility of my blogS being read thoroughly, being felt,, being reread, being bookmarked,being treasured even…I thought it through, and no longer a singular voice of NO WAY screamed in my head, instead a softer “hmmm…maybe? greeted me by surprise.” Very comforting, very indulging…and i surrender to indulgences quite easily heh. =)

If anyone does read, read with keen interest, it must be the person has a rather keen interest in this writer. If he even reread just once these entries, he must have Loved me. No other explanation can rationalise such a foolish, time-wasting, and oh! God-forbidding committed act.

The same concept may be applied for my commitment to my academic readings. I have finished reading most of my readings (that’s why it was a singular reading) for IPIR. I really like Politics- the academic subject- and i read all about it in almost one go. Back about a month go, i was so motivated i looked up my reading list in the NLB, with much disappointment i have to add. I couldnt find most of the recommended books in the catalogue…and i remember standing at the catalogue-search station to search for ANY (after doing topically failed miserably) readings in all 12 topics being taught for the course, to get increasingly frustrated and happy at the same time. hehe.

I couldnt find most of the books…so i resorted to browsing through those shelves both at the lending and reference (LKC reference library, LEVEL 7!) library dedicated to politics and international relations. I found a few of my readings, i found some books by authors listed in the list but not the book im supposed to read, i found other stuff…what did i do? I borrowed about 4 books, i photostatted chapters related to my topics; i felt like i was doing research again.

The whole process reminded me of the many days (or months) i spent in that library and NUS library doing my wonderful EE on more wonderful topics of Winston Churchill and fall of Singapore and Malaya( sarcasm detected). I remember exactly where the photocopying rooms are, where the tables are, where the shelves of southeast asian collection on fall of malaya and singapore ( level 9 near to the counter i believe of LKC, basement 3 or 4 right end of NUS oh my gosh i still  remember!) are, and i felt neither lost, nor overwhelmed by the books, nor cold this time.

Once the bookshelves have appeared to be staggering towers of heavy dusty old rectangular guards, ready to all charge at me for intrusion. Once they were much feared and dreaded, and hated. Once i vowed i would never visit THOSE libraries again!

When i was at LKC in August, the same orderly rows of shelves containing the same neatly stacked books left me awestruck with how much information they contain; the worlds of within beautiful minds they keep hidden, safely guarded for only those of keen and genuine interest to enter. I must have, like Lucy in Narnia: the lion, the witch and the wardrobe who discovered the Narnia through the wardrobe, that special necessary childlike wonder to finally discover the wonderful worlds these books have kept( no sarcasm detected). I spent a few days altogether looking for my readings.  There is very good reason to hate libraries- you tend to spend too much time in them and forget the world outside. It is a sinful indulgence.

So i was that committed, i read a few chapters of some books, and i deliberately ignored due dates so i can read them (but of course i couldnt…so many things to do!) and i paid a hefty fine for about 3-4 books. I discovered some fiction books along the way, and i spent even more time on those fiction books haha.

The photostatted readings are now neatly stapled, classified according to topics and filed .=)

During my free time yesterday i attempted to do my french readings, and finish my assignments for next week, only to realise my lecture is only today, i have to attend the lecture first, then do the assignments and readings(but then i already read through the assignments). I was quite disappointed i couldnt finish my exercises. heh.

That left me international law. If all the lectures are going to be like the one i attended today, i really pray to God I will somehow find the readings more interesting to keep me going! Oh gosh, not that the topics were not interesting, but the young english prof has a disdainful way of sprinkling boredom all over them! I have yet to touch any reading for int’l law- i have good reason not to. No tuts this week, i would forget all i have read by the time tutorials start proper next week. No point reading that early before…i think.

I must say, in my analysis of my reading commitment and pattern, it is obvious that the one with utmost interest and love gains the most attention. No brainer.

I can also, apply this concept to my commitment to read the Bible. I think any non-christian would definitely agree that it might be the most boring book they pick up. Look at it, it looks utterly boring! (Most do anyway, except for a few editions now that have used modern advertising methods to enhance the physical attractiveness of the Bible) It is full of words…and more words…and more and more words…(AGAIN, ignoring illustrated Bibles and whatnots). In one look, a passing visitor the bookshelf would never pick out the Bible.

I will admit i have once treated the bible with such disdain, several times, not once i realise. Sometimes it rested on my table as just another book, buried deep beneath the mess of countless other objects. I would sometimes remember QT and frantically looked for it, and failed, and borrowed my sister’s copy (she has many). I would learn to treasure it again after, and then the cycle of loved and abandonment continued. I realise now, it reflected my Love for God, and how i treated Him and His Word.

I have to come to understand, only recently, that as my Love for Him and His word, His truth deepened with time, the worth of the Bible-the physical object- increased. I kept it in better places, so i remember where i put it, i would still leave it around and forget where i put it,(just old habit really dies hard-for all my things) but i definitely treasure it a lot more.

Isnt this a proven fact, that only when we have learnt to love GOD, the Author of the Bible, the Author and Perfector of our faith( Hebrews 12: 2), will we then learn how to love His Word, the Bible? Then isn’t loving God the first step to knowing how to read the Bible, subsequently to learn how to treasure His words?

How do we LEARN to Love GOD??? By spending time communing with Him- no short cut!

How did i learn to love politics? I spend a heck lot of my time with it! (referring to MUN) I experienced it! I know how politics and international relations can be incredibly exciting!

Similarly, I have since learnt to Love God, because i experienced Him in many ways, in my trials and my triumphs, in knowing His Love is so great it overcomes my sins and shames so that i can Love Him in return, in believing He is the Supreme God, the Sovereign King (being sovereign means being separate and independent, having the capability to control over the territory – i actually do remember the stuff i learnt in Int’l Law) that rules the Earth and the universe. He controls everything!

Only when i have learnt to Love God, can i now appreciate His Word, His instructions, His laws, His teachings, His stories… I indeed hold them as treasures worth beyond gold (or diamond lol).

Back to my blog, the concept( a definite structured way of viewing something, the building block of knowledge- Andrew Heywood and i paraphrased) that if that person reads through my entire blog, he must therefore Love me then holds true as seen in the proven examples above.

I’m comforted by that thought, because i know there have been many that viewed through and read through my blogs. You must Love me =) ( a  great song by Madonna loll..)

You see, we read to write. MOST who love to read also love to write. I can be an exception…cos i actually love to write more than i love to read loll… BUT that is still a fact. (we can debate on the definition of a fact at another time)

I read my readings and learn more from them than from my professors in a way. I go to lectures to actually just get the summary of my readings, and to get more recommended readings by my profs- listen to them to know what are the HIGHLIGHTS you should read in that long list of recommended readings. You actually read for your degree- the lecturers here never fail to reiterate this to their students. You read so you can write better, so you can understand better as well.

So, in the light of the recognition of such importance for reading, i currently tasked myself with the completion of reading the following list(honestly to just really spend at least 1 hour for each…)

1. Myth of the rational voter- Bryan Caplan
2. Presidential Power- Richard Newstadt
3. The argumentative Indian-writings on indian history,culture and identity- Amartya Sen
4. How demoratic is the constitution of the American constitution?- Robert A Dahl
5. The politics of the governed:reflections on popular politics in most of the world-  Partha Chatterjee
6. Montevideo convention on the rights and duties of states, article 1- Harris casebook
7. Astro-german customs union advisory opinion- same book
8. The laws of nation- J briefly- same book
9. Notes on british and US practice on the recognition of states-SAME BOOK!
10. Carl Zeiss stiftung vs rayner and keeler ltd- same book!!
11. W ou the souvenir d’enfance- chapter 1

I seriously need to go and freaking get the Harris book. Sian.

This is well….as you might have guessed- my reading list for this week =)

I have a very good reason to put it up- i can refer to it anytime anywhere in the library electronically to search for them loll…i visit my blog quite often hehe.

Okie…I REALLY HAVE TO SLEEP. long day tomorrow.

And im very satisfied with this post. Good ole fashion of long meandering post =)

Finally, i can heave a huge sigh of relief and sleep with no active thoughts swimming as disturbance. =)

Good night!

Questions to think about…

1. What does it mean when we label an act or event as ‘political’?

2. Why do some plurinational states survive while others do not?

3. Why aren’t more women in positions of political leadership? Refer to more than one country in your essay.

4. Has the war on terrorism made sovereignty obsolete?

5. Compare two states’ use of ‘hard’ and ‘soft’ power. Which type of power is more effective in furthering state security?

I cannot believe im still up…seriously…I SHOULD BE SLEEPING LORD!

I just want to thank God for yesterday…it was quite a day.

I thank Him for:

1. Providing extra amount of sunlight to edinburgh- i couldnt believe i told myself “this is too hot!”
2. Buses in edinburgh- my legs could sure would have broken down if i really had to walk the whole of that almost 7 miles…
3. my strong legs and good shoes- i walked about 6 miles- never do i fear gaining extra weight no matter how much i eat here…
4. very good food in JMCC yesterday night- i had a great dinner with seafood! =D
5. telling me i need to change bank!- im so done with Abbey, hello RBS!
6. telling me 02 got the best of contract deal for phone line- i just need to be patient
7. His Grace- im so thankful for Bryn- a friend studying computer science and yet was reading a book about politics- he now knows more about singapore than some singaporeans.
8. providing friends- You are just wonderful at everything Lord (of course You are!), and thank You for being in the business of creating surprises!- had very good conversation with Bryn about all things politics and singapore, and british and american and canadian and whatnots- and now i have someone to help me with the html stuff- Thank YOU!
9. Irene- thank you for just listening…and the sweets! =D
10. books and the ability to learn- im so absorbed with my readings i forgot it was time for bed!

now please Lord please pretty please…allow me to sleeeeppp…i have a tutorial in 5 hours! GARRR

In Jesus’ most precious Name i pray,

Amen

Question

Prove: How the following common equations of life link to the GOD ALMIGHTY.

We all need love.

We need love to live.

Life is about love.

Relationships are about love.

-TV MOBILE ( on a program i cannot remember)

Answer:

In the above-mentioned question we have 4 equations. I shall use one theory that will be applicable to all.

Proving theory:

• God is Love ( 1 John 4:8b)

Assumptions:

1. The Bible from where the theory is taken is based on God. It is God-approved, God-breathed and proven to be true and accurate in accordance with archeological and historical evidence.
2. Capitalised ‘Love’ is equal and the same to the ‘love’ used in the equations.

Based on the proposed theory and these assumptions, we can prove the link between God Almighty to the equations of life using Simultaneous Equations.

In Simultaneous Equations,

The theory can be rewritten as a mathematical equation as followed:

God = Love

Let the above equation be named equation 1

God = Love ——————-1

We have the equations of life in the question named as followed:

We all need love. ————-2

We need love to live.————— 3

Life is about love. ——————4

Relationships are about love.—–5

By substituting equation 1 into the equation 2,we have,

We need God to live

By substituting equation 1 into subsequent equations 4, 5 and 3 respectively, we have:

Life is about God

Relationship is about God

We all need God to live

Conclusion:

God is linked to all humans and therefore it is in their innate nature to need, love and desire God!

Evaluation:

1. Equations of life from the questions are not proved as how they are equations of life and why they are called equations instead of statements about life.
2. There is no written evidence of such statements being uttered by every human being. It can be a dangerous assumption to say a few who were interviewed by TV-MOBILE represent the human race at large, especially when they are partial due to various social factors influencing their thoughts and beliefs. These factors can be religion, geographical boundary, race, ultimately to say they are subjective to their culture, in this case Singapore.
3. More quantitative analysis needed for the conclusion to be valid- the question could be made from sweeping statements and hence influences the conclusion to be too general.

Bibliography:

1. The Bible New international Version
2. TV-MOBILE
3. The math text book used in IB LOLL

I, Christine Lek, hereby signed and declared this is my own original work and nothing has been copied or the work of someone else.

Christine Lek.

Autumn (yes, autumn, not winter, don’t jump the gun) is finally arriving in Edinburgh. The leaves are putting on their orange and crimson coats. The air is chillier, and my jackets hardly suffice now (please dont worry mom, i layer).

Autumn is my favourite season, because everything is so ORANGE lolll…haha…. xD. But yeah…well…i can philosophise something about autumn and use it as a more reasonable reason for liking autumn,but i wont. I have always like orange first, and then i find reasons for liking it…very cheemified philosophical reasons as well. But it is always the fact that im just drawn to the colour of orange first, and then the reasons come after.

I thank God for small group yesterday, we finally began BS, and it was so good…everybody participated and there was a lot of understanding, a lot of agreement in the fact that JESUS is LORD and He alone matters. Had such a good time with a very cool bunch of people. Much thanks to Peter and Carrie for opening their flats to us.

Im just thankful. I was so tired and i still could go through my day. I had no sleep and i could still find my brain working well enough to participate in a very challenging French seminar. I had 3 hours of sleep and could still find my coherence in small group. I just thank Him for a very good night sleep after that.

A song with wonderful lyrics =) (sorry some how i couldnt put it in paragraphs like it is supposed to be)

Every season

Music and lyrics: Nichole Nordeman

Every evening sky, an invitation

To trace the patterned stars

And early in July, a celebration

For freedom that is ours

And I notice You

In children’s games

In those who watch them from the shade

Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder

You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered

To the harvest time

Forfeiting their leaves in late September

And sending us inside

Still I notice You when change begins

And I am braced for colder winds

I will offer thanks for what has been and what’s to come

You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven

Finally falls asleep

Wrapped in blankets white, all creation

Shivers underneath

And still I notice you

When branches crack

And in my breath on frosted glass

Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter

You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced

Teaching us to breathe

What was frozen through is newly purposed

Turning all things green

So it is with You

And how You make me new

With every season’s change

And so it will be

As You are re-creating me

Summer, autumn, winter, spring

On a very random note, ive been stalked. My stalker puts a green apple outside my room everyday. I’m very thankful, cos i like green apples, but i pray to God the stalker will reveal himself soon before i launch my own investigation.

Plus les questions a penser= more questions to think about…

i have a very good case for that statement. Let me finish my french homework first…and i’ll definitely tell you why.

Music and Lyrics: Tori Amos

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog wont bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-christ in the kitchen yellin at me again
Yeah I can hear that

Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know but nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me- you never shut up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if Im a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I dont care cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice and its been here
Silent all these years

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
Whats so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
Hows that thought for ya

My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think theres a heaven where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker, go you think its enough
To get us there

Cause what if Im a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I dont care cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice and its been here
Silent all these years

Years go by will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by if Im stripped of my beauty
And the orange cloud raining in my head
Years go by will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know were too easy easy easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shade
Lets hear what you think of me now but baby dont look up
The sky is falling

Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
Its your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin at you, here take a hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them

But what if Im a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I dont care cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
And its been here
Silent all these years
Ive been here
Silent all these years

When im too busy to blog, i let music speak.

What have i just done? I just watched Bridget Jones’ Diary part 2 with a bunch of stalkers as a sequel to part 1 which happened a while back in Sawdah’s room. =)

now now now..READ CHRISTINE READ

Music and lyrics: Cyndi Lauper

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
and think of you
caught up in circles confusion–
is nothing new
Flashback–warm nights–
almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after–

sometimes you picture me–
I’m walking too far ahead
you’re calling to me, I can’t hear
what you’ve said–
Then you say–go slow–
I fall behind–
the second hand unwinds

chorus:
if you’re lost you can look–and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you–I’ll be waiting
time after time

after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows–you’re wondering
if I’m OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time–

chorus:
if you’re lost…

you said go slow–
I fall behind
the second hand unwinds–

chorus:
if you’re lost…
…time after time
time after time
time after time
time after time

ok…it’s time to wikipedia Audrey Tautou and read all about her; it’s my french homework for now. =)

Read everything that has been published. Even though you THINK you have read them.

PLEASE check my OTHER blogs. gosh.

I’m sincerely apologetic if i have offended you in any ways. I am very sorry to say you are quite undignified to laugh. Please do not laugh at me. It is not fun to be laughed at. Please laugh at my blog-that’s what you are doing if you are reading.

Oh, if not laughing? smiling+ thinking “LOL!”+ HOHOHO + being obsessed with words= insanity

I’m sorry to say, according to my very definite definition (the one above), you are insane. So am i. We are humans. We are  not animals. We tend to think like one. It’s ok. Cheers.

I’m very political. WHAT WHAT WHAT? oh gosh SHUT UP.ok.

I have started on my political essay. It is not very obvious what i look LIKE, it is however something unpredictably predictable.

I will not be too original= not original.

For the LOVE of the WORLD, go do your freaking work. enough said. im doing work ( listening to music and analysing political french writings= fun!). I just took a rest (LIKE NOW) to write this. My work is continuous, but not present, not past, not future. it is CONSTANT. oh man, i hate math, hate ENGLISH, hate FRENCH,they make me WORK so hard!

I thank them- they say “all the best” when i want to go kill Oxes. Best response ever! I have already slaughtered one. That’s the attitude. Shall we go kill some more Oxes or break BRIDGES? TOGETHER they are (OXBRIDGE)!

Let’s form a ALLIANCE- killers of OXBRIDGES (think: OXES walking OVER BRIDGE, going NOWHERE)

OK!

XD

Oh right. We start with schools- the place where YOUNG MINDS are MOULDED. we LOVE films=movies (think: move – e + i.e.s).we are on some satellite LOOKING DOWN. We are nowhere on EARTH. ZOOM= narrowly look with tinted eyes at an object/building. Let’s choose the latter, it sounds cooler. OK.

Zoom to a DOT, any DOT. There we find our school. The kids are not english but they want to be so. why? they are singing canadian-inspired (fact: Canada WAS British-owned=colonised) anthem about their school. They shuffle to class after that. they heard something, not sure what.

In class,

The teachers ask

QUESTION: LINK your SUBJECT which you are studying with your INTEREST

Instructions:

WRITE 1500-word COMMENTARY/exposition/paper/dissertation/EXTENDED ESSAY

on the above.

REMEMBER:

do not FORGET to

footnote/quote/does BIBLIOGRAPHY/acknowledge

SOURCES;

also

REMEMBER

word-LIMIT (think: do not go over speed LIMIT)

A kid didn’t understand much

MUCH is his HATED word (LOVED word was little)

He WROTE anyway

“WHAT LINK!?!, many links, linking everything, everything is linked, link me link

Earth is round and world is flat

humans hate and love from somewhere near the right chest

zest glory honor whereforth

heart is burnt  and ashes are left

Christine, a girl he saw he thought he knew

has Christ in her name

does not love england as he thought he knew

she loved and left

First, forever, last.

yes you, who are reading or who are not. who i hated and i loved. who i couldnt undestand and understood. who taught me it was christ i needed in my heart and i found Him. Im supposed to enjoy the movie “lacombe lucien” and tell the people in my seminar today the art of filming. i can and i cant anymore. i wish when i thought everything through and asked God “please do not make me the hurt machine”, i would be so invisible like i was i could begin anew page here. i didnt leave asking God for love because he gave me a ministry of my own, an identity so unmistakably mine i cannot fit in to stand out. i didnt choose charlie. i didnt. i didnt know what you meant with your actions or your words either. i was just so blinded, by the thin veil that separates our hearts. were you there thinking i would one day realise and show the love you wanted, were you so unselfish you didnt say my heart was yours even when you had given yours to me. oh i just didnt get it, just didnt know. ignorance is not bliss, for you, at least, for me, sure. arent the stars aligned to show god’s hands in crafting this universe, isnt symmetry the perfection we want to achieve, isnt precision the point of the aim for that target, isnt our love so perfect it confounded out of hands. if i was not brave enough to embrace him in me, am i a fool to say i was in love. if my tears are not choking me am i not breathing, if you didnt give am i the one to never receive, and give in return. oh God are you so cruel you write the paths we take when we were in our mothers’ worms, are you so straightforward you put creation, adam and eve, the nakedness of man, the beauty of love in the first few chapters of the book of life, or were you then, using us as experiments in this mortal stretch of time. im not a genius if i have not met one, i wouldnt have killed ox if i didnt hate and think and was obsessed. define love you cant, because it is God. The fleeting time we realised we had it was the time we had to say goodbye. mr darcy suffered more than lizzy ever will, but they had a perfect ending. do we. i realised purpose in this life, not to be a boy or a girl because i was both and none, not be equal because it was not but it seemed, not to be loved by man because i was so rejected from birth, but maybe embraced by God to show man who he is. there is no human to comfort you and me right now, but there is god for both of us. what if i rewind the 2nd hand and thought of you. oh, there is no time machine charlie, no, only in fiction but not fact we find time being rewinded. i know when i will die. the day this world unite to say they love god in the name of love is that day. it is coming so soon im so afraid. but i still have time till then. are we, allowed, in the laws and by the outlaws, time to share it together? i just want love, all days of my life. are you, the one, or are you in disguised, are you with me or just passing by?

was trapped. He didnt get out to live-thats why he wrote. when he met Helen, he lived and loved. and because thats the whole FREAKING POINT about being a human being,- engaged in some freaking COMMUNICATION and ACTIVITIES.

His life is complete after Helen Joy came into his life. but she was that, she was that missing piece to the puzzle of C.S.Lewis’ life the genius according to erm, world’s definition?

I think he is too.

I love his books (narnia + grief observed), and they together gave me the inspiration for all these im doing.

However, God, is the only person who can weave everything together.

My friends here in EH read my blog and understood i really need to break free and embrace my identity. (inspiration: Cs Lewis Song, thank you, turner house small grp!)

If i tell you now, this WORLD is PARADISE, will you believe?

There is no case for GREAT Britain. Britain is TOO great (fact: everybody who is READING this UNDERSTANDS English)

Question: what LANGUAGE are you speaking? hint: it is NOT American.

Oh the for the LOVE of the WORLD, stop being so PHILOSOPHICAL!

Fact: Socratic style of learning is about QUESTIONING= ASKING questions.

Fiction: King Lear, William Shakespeare.(btw 1603-1606,wikipedia)

Oh please, the LIFE is either: COMEDY or TRAGEDY.

Decision: you can FREAKING DECIDE!

My life will be : COMEDY.

STOP thinking and do something about what you have just ABSORBED.

ACS(I) IB 2nd Student Council Video

this is a PLAY
location: Singapore, Southeast Asia.

Campaign for 1st Student Council Dialogue

note: they are ‘delegates’ TRYING to get into 1st Student Council
Note: ratio of BOYS: GIRLS
ermm… 420-(abt)90=370
370: 90
you do the math =)

1. 1989

• the day the Berlin Wall Fell
• Communism was dead in Soviet Union
• Symbolism of the fall of the Communists.

1. March- 3
   • Trinity
2. 22: 2+ 2 (2)
3. 10 am
   1. Day
4. Vietnam = communism (10)
5. Singapore= capitalism (10)
6. Scotland = God (7)

10 + 10 +7 = 27

the day the world unite

English + Chinese + [Vietnamese + Singlish] + Spanish(yet) + French

History + Lit = Social science + Language

0 level (2003-2006)

1. English : A1 = A*
2. French: A1
3. Geography: A2
4. Social studies + Literature: A2
5. Combined Science (Chemistry + Physics): A1
6. Mathematics: A1
7. Additional Math: A1

Ib (2007-2009)

1. HL English: 5 = 10÷2 =5 (REMARKED grade) odd, middle
2. HL History: 6 = 7-1 (REMARKED grade)
3. HL Econs: 6 = 7-1
4. SL French: 7 perfect? (perfect understanding of French and their language)
5. SL Math: 6 = 7-1
6. SL Chemistry: 6=7-1

Extended Essay: B  (books?)

Theory of Knowledge: C (REMARKED grade) (for Christ???)

i THINK, there fore, I AM.- Descarte

You are reading me.

The POINT

Definition: The point of realisation is the point of knowledge

PERFECTION

Definition: The achievement of SYMMETRY

- You realisED you are poor- absorption of the fact that you ARE poor

-YOU WERE/ARE SMART- absorption of the fact that you ARE SMART

The point where the past meets the future is the point of realisation that THEY MEET.

Jesus came. Eve didn’t come.

Jesus is still here in the Trinity, the SOVEREIGN and ANOINTED King.  Eve is coming.

She is working.

Conclusion: She (the descendante of Eve)….who is She? What is she?

Go figure.

There is a story about Harry + Potter = HP (think: heroic politeness)

There is some time for that story to unfold.

OBAMA’s 1st term started this year.

Do your math.

There is no war, no FIGHT, oh gosh it will be FUN (i love war studies, thanks history teachers of ACSIB! =D) to watch some big powers fight over something so insignificant it is POINTLESS.

Show COMPASSION in fiery fight, not…ermm…’RIDICULE’- quoting a Singapourienne

SAVE & Serve, not erm…’EYE POWERING’ (thanks Wesley Chan =P)

Eeerrmmm. to all ppl who are ermm…reading ermm…from ermm..ALL OVER….the…ermm..WORLD…:

meet at the place where we come from =) (somewhere btw 19/12 – 7/1 would be nice =D)- someone pls organise!

I shall erm…QUOTE ALL of YOU!

I am..erm…NOT…erm..STATE-BOUND!

xD

Do you want a very wonderfully narrated account of a very massive trek uphill to the dormant volcano called  ”Arthur’s Seat” (AS)(it looks like a seat for those who are wondering why the name is so unglam lol..) which serves at as the backdrop to Pollock Halls of Residence of Edinburgh University (or THE university of Edinburgh if you like =S)?

sorry i dont. i like simple language. let’s do this in a simple fashion-children’s language. no flowers, no imagery to make it hard for the commoner or peasant (Jeanette, i laugh every time i remember B.J Conner correcting your incorrect pronunciation of “peasant” in your IOP HAHAHA =P) to understand.

note: please refer to FB for illustration later if you dont understand very technical terms like “check-point”, “resting point”, “time-out” and erm, “epicness”. xD

STORY

The singsoc organised Arthur’s seat climb. In an email,a girl promised it to be “it’ll be fun i promise”- quoting une autre Singapourienne. Starting point was 11 am.

In revolt, a Vietnamese-Singaporean (mudblood!) organised a similar event- uphill climb to see Arthur’s seat- decidedly timed at random hour of somewhere in the late afternoon.

There were a Frottish (French-Scottish= born in France but not exactly appreciative of anything French LOL), a Scottish-french ( just the opposite of the first), an Indian-English and moi.

The names are Irene, Eva, Sawdah and Cam Loan respectively.

At 5.05 pm, we reached the first check-point.

There were many following checkpoints.

There were also many resting points (rocks that served to be used as natural seats for resting, indeed amazing! hahaha).

we didnt follow the road taken.(so not fun)

Decided to be adventurous and wanted to be fast climbers- SHORT CUT!

Went half way up the road taken for cars, but then, thought it was more fun to CUT through the grassy field on the left side up to a hill we had no idea which. just go anyway, it was super niceeee. =P

Took resting point once a very epic number of plants with orange stalks leaves stems and white flowers at the top were spotted- prettyyy!

decided to study natural surrounding (very geographically knowledgeable and very mindful of natural surrounding)

decided it was time to CONQUER the hill! up x3 we went and went went (or climb if you think of it that way)

Finally, WOOOHOOO…THE PEAK!

Took some seriously, erm, also personally crazily epicly awesomely dangerous poses for the camera- a picture costs a lot dont know you. =S

Stayed at that hill and realised “OH NO, NOT ARTHUR’S SEAT!” LOL…

Could see 2 other “hills”- we were on the lowest.

There, a girl met her God for the first time. For the 1st time she could embrace the radiant sun, whose glory was God did not blind her eyes. For the first time she met Him personally, and was overwhelmed by His magnificent Presence. She could have been blown away by incredible strong winds which howled Christ’s Name and she heard her own in it. She could have cried knowing everything she had worked ever so hard for is rewarded and done. She could have shed some silent tears.

But she didnt. There is no need to cry in silent because of pain, hurt, sorrow or any other forms of emotionally abuse. There was no tear in her eyes, just a broad smile that emanates eternal JOY and the assuring knowledge this world is once again, the Garden of Eden she had imagined in her childhood dreams.

The new Eden you see, is not perfect as the old was. Eve was not perfect once she had sinned. She was the first human to sin. If Eden were restored (it is, believe it!), then la descendante of Eve would somehow need to live a perfect life from this point on, and fortunately for the rest of this human race, there is no need for a perfect Eden.

The winds were strong but the girl stood tall and unafraid in the presence of her God because there were friends to make sure she would never fall, or die, or suffer anything. Sawdah a Muslim was the leader and the girl and the rest followed Sawdah all the way with complete trust we would be safe.

Eva was the youngest girl, 14, and she was the most conspicuously dressed among the 4, and she was bravest- prancing around, up and about all the time- knowing not fear although she was very cold literally.

We conquered all 3 peaks and realised at every peak we could see the sun. On the way down, we basked in the encompassing Light and gentle heat. It was rather a dangerous route we had chosen, but we so much FUN! The steps paved by Man at the end of the climb were just too boring.

The girl thanked her God for the one opportunity she could see His face and was told by Him once is enough. He was kind and He was protective- the sun didnt set until we reached the initial check-point of our journey. Indeed, His timing is perfect.

The end time: 6.17 PM (back to Pollock)

Time to go for dinner : 6.40 PM

On the screen of the camera the girl had always taken with her, given by her biological father as a farewell present, the number 00027 appeared. She could not take pictures outdoor.

Indoor, the number 27 appeared and she could take pictures. the number declined to 26 once a picture was taken.

On her WEBCT, the mailbox reads:

It is done my friend. It is done. There is no need to fight or imagine the end time. I have no idea how judgement day will be like, but i know how it would unfold. Remember that 27 is the age i am supposed to be when the work for MOLI will be completed. I am 19,(although on paper it is 20) at the moment, because i have always lived among the people who are 1 year younger.  20th century starts at 1900 didn’t it?

I doubt our God is so cruel He would condemn all those who dont believe to eternal hell. i DONT KNOW, but i hope He wont. Do please, share Christ and save your fellow humans from the wrath that is God’s. There is still time, and there are so many of us now, disciples ready to go, do not be afraid to ever do so. It is a command, a request, and a gentle plea. =)

To pEter the Great who went to St Petersburg in Russia and founded…erm…St Petersburg, thanks for your very unearthly response to my presence at your first sight. I thought you were some crazy mental joker (i know too many guys of the same type). But you are very different dear friend, and i, who had always needed to use charms and some sort of arguments to win over someone’s affection, was very impressed. Thank you. Keep up the great work of erm, dunnowhatyouaredoing. It is erm, cool. =)

To the delegation who went to Russia on 21 March 2006, shall we set an epic date to return???!!!!! xD

The epicness of this post cannot be compared.

Please be more original in your personal writings =S

pLEASE make sure i have food when i come back to acsi. Japanese food, if you can xD

Please stop ‘worshipping the ground i walked/walk/talked/talk’ on or something…cos Jesus should be one you do.

The Bible is complete. I only supplement.

Lastly, read HP and have some imagination. Read Twilight series and know it is about PERFECT LOVE (edward cullen is perfect, but Robert Pattinson is so not), that Edward presents God and Bella the church.

For girls:

The best make-up you can have is your PASSION. Cosmetics is just easier to buy

TV-MOBILE quote of the day (or something liddat)

can i add something to that? Cosmetics is not bad as long as you use it in moderation to enhance your beauty and not to cover your ‘ugliness’ (you have never been ugly!)

It is 1 minute to 10.10 am, 11/10/09.

You are perfect now, and you can use that word as much as you like…only for yourself or in your opinion! =)

I didnt know being perfect is rather a funny feeling, the world tries to please you and then you thought to yourself “i dont need this stuff anymore”. I really do love them but indeed i would still make my own jewellery as a favourite pastime. CAN WORDPRESS PEOPLE PLEASE STOP MESSING WITH MY POST THANKS =S!

I know you like to “test” how freaking smart/perfect/moral/cunning/funny/ whatever whatever…, but it wasnt fun when you felt like all the technies in the world are trying to work against one (indeed united as one against one =S) and then there was the cheap thrill of just raking your brain to defeat the enemy hahaha. i REALLY felt like i was Jason Bourne. thanks =) i HAVE always love that series (film only sorry, books too time-consuming) and i thought Bourne’s motive wasnt to defeat the world, but it was to free himself from his vicious past. Indeed…

If i have to defeat 2 computing systems to find my freaking book I WILL. iF I have to KILL some people for trying to be erm smart and erm original, I WILL. it was easy btw, just very ANNOYING.

why? i knew the library and the places in edinburgh perfectly well. I know my environments. If you have put me in erm…Somalia…i might be really put off guard (maybe…)

But as you would have realised, i love it most when i was just by myself in a lecture, making fun of whatever the lecturer is trying to teach (i thought he was really cool hahaha) and i went against that. I love the world because i appreciate their cultures (thanks Singapore, Free Trade Agreements rule, we have everything in one shopping mall =D) and their products, their people who worked for the products to be produced. It’s the thought that counts, always =)

Tesco- nice, everything nice, just that i wasnt really enticed by anything non-Japanese HAHAHA =D

Jap food- best food in the world

French food- best food in the world as well. sorry to everyone else who think their cuisines should erm rule, they rule then, in your opinion. =)

ok…showering time. eating time. hungry again =S

Cold hands, warm heart.

It is the 6th day in a God-foreshaken place called Merchiston Ward in the Royal Edinburgh Hospital. I’m here because of God-knows-what reason, but i am here anyway. Actually, i do know the reason I’m being locked up like a prisoner who had committed murder and needed to be watched 24/7, or like a queen who can do whatever she wants but under the watchful eyes of all nurses and patients. It is how you look at the situation that makes a difference and i, i choose to think i’m a little queen whose world and words are uncontrollable by a bunch of nurses and doctors who all claim to be doing their best to make me feel better. It is a legitimate claim, because they are trying their best to calm me down and normalise my extreme mood swings, which actually are the reasons i am here. It is a long story you see, and the absurdity of it sickens me until this point, and moreover, i am  angry with myself for being so naive and trusting towards the police.

The story is, very honestly, ridiculous and funny to the point of having the capability to make you squirm in your seat or and laugh out loud. I was simply acting rather crazy, walking aimlessly along Old Dalkeith Road, breaking branches of trees in a failed attempt to climb over a wall to get to the other side of a park in a grander mission of walking to the airport from Pollock Halls. Please do not question why the airport, because i was indeed that crazy; i wanted to escape from reality of the fact that i am a student mundanely attending lectures and tutorials with sporadic fun of attending societies’ events. I wanted and still want to save the world, to be part of the CNN team and spread the message of Christ Jesus to the world. So that answers your question of why the airport and so, the police stopped by to ask, “where are you going?” to which i reply nonchalantly “ nowhere in particular, you can take me anywhere.” That should be the last answer you give to a policeman when being asked such a question at any point in time in your life.

I was not specific enough, the policeman who later handed me to a policewoman who then took me to the psychiatric hospital, this hospital and the psychiatric ward, all because i was acting rather crazily, and utter rather crazy words when conversing with the policewoman about psychology, her major in university. I played along their game for as long as i could, and until i realised i was not going to go home to Pollock Halls any time soon i started to scream, yell and hysterically asked for a doctor to explain to me what was going on. The nurses were not helpful; they couldn’t tell me what i was in for, why i was here or what is happening! They followed instructions strictly and they did what they were told- maintain orderliness in the ward. I remembered being man-handled, forced to take my medicine through injection, forced to bed by three nurses when i refused to sleep on my bed and waited for the doctor at the door. It was not a pretty sight and fond memory, but it was indeed memorable.

All this time i was actually looking for someone, someone who shouldn’t be named because I have caused much chaos and inconvenience to the person and the person had decided to ignore me for the time being. I actually thought i understood the person and realised i might never have. I thought i knew what i saw and what i thought i understood, and now everything seems to have dimmed in the light of the knowledge i might have broken the relationship, a pure and simple friendship, to splinter of unreconcilable pieces. Was i so foolish and unwise that i cause my family, friends and myself so much pain? Was i the one who loved and never found love?

When i thought life couldn’t get worse, life gets better. I got to know the patients here, i got to know the nurses and even the doctors and thought they are nicer than they seem. Each of the patients here has a story to tell, some problems to get fixed, and some warm and understanding to share with me. I am one of the youngest in the ward, and i found a friend who is supposed to do the exact same course that i am doing, international relations. She had gone home with her parents, while i’m still stuck here, in a ‘cocoon’ to quote a my roommate, June, an incredibly friendly and warm-hearted 61-year-old lady. If there is anything to compensate for the lack of personal freedom and the ability to roam the town without being watched constantly by a nurse (i am under the ‘nurse escorted’ category), it is the camaraderie between patients and nurses here. The sympathy expressed the nurses to the patients is genuine, and the concerns of the patients are often not ignored, although in their limited capacity, they are often forced to ignore excessive demands of patients.

It is the love and care provided by God through my fellow patients that enables me to continue my road to recovery of sanity. I am completely sane most of the time may i add, i just have lapses of insanity where the every day’s stress seems too much to bear and i take it out on momentary craziness and short-term memory loss. It is the padding of shoulders, the hugs and words of encouragement exuding love and warmth, terms of endearment being used to address each other that keeps this place a home away from home for many of its patients, including myself.

Once when i took my hands out to shake a lady whose name i have not remembered, she held it and exclaimed,

-” Wow, you have cold hands! Cold hands, warm heart you’ve got there, dear!”

Maybe that is true, maybe that’s all i need at the moment, oh Lord, a warm heart.

Life flows like a river

Bending and winding in its magnifold

Oh how oh Lord will I know

the plans You have crafted

The beautiful people you will choose to bless

May I the mortal being take a guess?

Love, unfailing, untainted Love

Deliberate, intentional love

confounding out of mind

How now, Oh Lord, am i to choose

maybe not,

maybe your Light shall shine and part darkness midway

In time, i’ll find you and here-say.

That’s what i need now… not words, not some clever tricks or lines, not anything smart or even funny. I just need a hug, and a shoulder to sleep on hahaha. but hey, thanks girls for coming to visit me. Love you guys loads. Thanks guys for your concern although you are far and away, you matter .=)

Music and lyrics: Tommy Page

Life is full of lots of up and downs
But the distance feels further
When its headed for the ground
And theres nothing more painful
Then to let your feelings take
You down

Its so hard to know
The way you feel inside
When theres many thoughts
And feelings that you hide
But you might feel better
If you let me walk with you
By your side

Chorus:

And when you need
A shoulder to cry on
When you need
A friend to rely on
When the whole world is gone
You wont be alone
Ill be there
Ill be your shoulder to cry on
Ill be there
Ill be your friend to rely on
When the whole worlds gone
You wont be alone cause Ill be there

All of the times
When everything is wrong
And your feeling like
Theres no use going on
You cant give it up
Ill help you work it out
And carry on

Side by side
With you till the end
Ill always be the one
A shoulder to cry on continued

To firmly hold your hand
No matter what is said or done
Our love will always continue on

Chorus:

Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on
Everyone needs a friend to rely on
When the whole worlds gone, you wont be alone
cause Ill be there
Ill be your shoulder to cry on
Ill be there
Ill be the one to rely one
When the whole worlds gone, you wont be alone
cause Ill be there
And when the whole world is gone
Youll always have my shoulder to cry on

Music add lyrics: Alanis Morissette

Reborn and shivering

Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I’m barely making sense for now
I’m faking it ’til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I’m faking it til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Eyes spread toward
Wide open frayed
If God’s taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I’m barely making sense just yet
I’m faking it til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Alanis Morissette – Not As We (HOUSE MD. SONG)

A song for people who are broken and trying to be healed. This is a healing song =)

hit me ib one more time

my inspiration! HAHA

[Verse 1]
oh IB IB, how was i supposed to know?
that something wasn’t right here
oh IB IB, i shouldn’t have even enrolled
my freedom’s out of sight now

[pre-chorus]
show me how to get 43
because i have  screwed up my EE already

[chorus]
my IOC is killing me (KING LEAR!!!)
for this whole month, i didn’t sleep (didn’t sleep)
when i am with you i lose my mind
I WANT TO DIEEEE
hit me IB one more time!

[verse 2]
oh IB IB, the reason i’m here is you
thank God for SL2
oh IB IB, there’s nothing i wouldn’t do
my IA’s due tomorrow

[bridgey thingy]
oh IB IB, how was i supposed to know?
oh Paddy Clarke, HA HA HA HA HA HAAA
i must confess that my CAS
is a waste of tiimeeee
don’t you know i must study
cos prelims are here
to give me a siiignnnn
to read my huck finn one more time!

Winter is in the air

Somehow autumn still sings

So you beware

Wonders and mysteries nature contains not

Bound to your feet and figure

Oh so you say

But i who walked the same path

cried the same tears, fear the same nights

Tell you oh baby baby dear

This perfect Earth’s

Cries God shall cheer.

11.29 am 17/10/2009

Christine Lek

CAN WORDPRESS PEOPLE STOP MESSING WITH MY POSTS??? THANKS!

Father in heaven,

Help me to forgive and forget

Help me to know You are in control and the humans are not

Lord help me to understand their concerns and their needs

Let not my anger and my impatience overwhelm my self-control

Let not my heart harden to hate them

For they are not my heart’s endeavours,

my eyes enlightening Light

Am i made to love and only love?

The hatred i feel for Man

dissipated when i can hear music

When i felt You nearer to me

than You will ever be with them

But Lord You used them to train this child

How do i then save this human race?

Glory, honor, fame and recognition never what i wanted

I’ve had them all and

And it felt empty if they are not

genuine display of Love

Oh Lord symbols You create,

not for Man to use them for their purpose.

But indeed to realise they need You

They need to bow down to You as one

That day is coming, oh Lord it is coming.

Can i love them?

Can someone love me just by simply saying it to me?

I love you is the most difficult sentence i will ever utter.

Why did I learn English?

Why did i learn French?

My grandfather wanted me to

Chinese?- my stepfather is one.

Vietnamese? i am one.

Spanish? Because i want to go to South America

I Love You

I love them

I love/hate you for telling the world this and make it a world’s affair.

And Love, oh Love, may the world Unite in You.

16/10/2009

Christine Lek

Have you ever felt as though loneliness can swallow you whole and tear you to tiny sprinkling pieces on a canvas of whitewash memory? I did. I still do right at this minute. With the departure of a fellow patient called Margo, no one is occupying the sitting room but myself. Margo was rather mentally ill, and her favourite things i could pick up were drinking coke and watching the television, always BBC 1. In the occasions when i had to share the room with her, i always turned down the volume of the TV and turned up that of my music from my Macbook. She has never minded, and for a few times, i thought she was swaying to my music as well. I could hardly understand her, yet i felt for her. She is now safely home, finally out of this place (it’s now no longer God-foreshaken, Thank GOD!) to return to home life. I too long for that day to come for me; i know it is soon, but i want an exact time, some sort of precision in my wait, and that is so characteristically me, precise and particular.

I want today, to dedicate this writings to the one who is Love, and i call on to Him to be like  Love, to be able to spread her wings and soar like an eagle towards freedom and truth. I’ve had a few issues on my mind lately, being in the hospital aside i mean, and it blows my mind that i have such strength to sustain myself in this place, to keep my cheerful self occupied every waking moment although i lack so much in terms of friendships and genuine display of care and concern from people i hold dear in my heart. I love being a student and i love my university and everything about it, including exams hahaha. I do! I think there will be one day i won’t dread the exams because they are just there to test your knowledge. I have always loved challenges, perhaps the exams are the only so-called challenge i face in university. yeah. right.

My issues are not academic in any level; they are independent of school i would think. I know i can really excel if i work a little bit harder than i am now for my courses, but i won’t. This is simply because i think i have worked hard enough and my studies have been all right. My tutors have been affirming this fact, and they are all great people. I cant say the same about all my lecturers, although most have been more than good; they have been great in lecturing!

I’m still not getting to my issue am i? It just bothers me a lot, but i cant really talk about it here. I write poems and most of the time it is obvious what had been on my mind. With the departure of even more friends (both Triona and Ryan, the people around my age, are out of the hospital by tomorrow), i can only see depression looms. Maybe not. maybe i will still be fine without friends, as i have always been fine alone.

I’m not making much sense right now, and i acknowledge that i don’t, because there is no rhyme or reason in love, there is no structure and instructions in love, there is only madness and craziness, sometimes they are controlled and most of the time they are not. I am not fond of rejection and i think once is enough. The saying  ‘once beaten twice shy’ is just too accurate. I was rejected by LSE and i will never apply there again for post-grad. I might never sing again in a choir because i was rejected 3 times and that is enough a message from God. I was so obsessed with choir, but i didnt know i already know everything about it. I have learnt the art of singing, and im good enough now as a normal singer to sing when nobody is around or in church, good enough to appreciate all sorts of music with correct methods of dissecting musical scores and able to show musicianship when im with a group of musicians. I understand rhythm and beat are the heartbeats of a song. I know the lyrics work together with the melody to paint a picture or tell a story, and they always work with each other in harmony to express something. Music is personal and can be appreciated in more than 1 way but it has to be done with respect to the composer’s original intention. i understand you sing and breathe from the diaphragm and not your lungs or your throat. God was probably telling me that i know enough of music to appreciate music, it’s time to move on. Indeed i will not join a choir anymore, but that doesn’t mean i do not love to sing or to make music.

I am also rejected by a few men and i will never be with them again. That is fact and i will not return to those who have rejected waning about my lack of relationships or my craving for attention and love. I’m sorry, once is enough and there is no guarantee there won’t be the 2nd time. It is harsh and it is cold, but, it is the same way the men have treated me when i needed them most. It’s the same way they believe they can treat me when they do want me most (its fact i THINK). And im sick and tired of being such a crowd pleaser i make everybody happy except myself. i JUST needed you here when you are not, i just miss you when i know you miss me not, i just hope we are still friends when i think we are not and we’ve both lost in the game of love, or what game? indeed…I hate playing games when it comes to love. and im done playing. thank you for the ride, and it ends tonight.

i dont know who to love anymore. i THINK i will just love everyone i know, and then may the real man stand up and identify himself to me. I have enough of words and not enough communication. it is done. I have partially fulfilled my life’s purpose. The next half will take a lifetime, and i want a partner who can do exactly what i need, be a comforter in times of need and be a real man in Christ whom i can depend on, go crazy with, study and make music with, pray with and stay in Christ with.

Lord, you know my heart’s desire

Will i have my wish fulfilled?

will a child see her christmas present and cry?

will the girl see You in his Light?

will i be loved for once and for all my life?

oh Lord, will i…

Brooke Fraser-C.S.Lewis song

If i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that i fight is at best only light and momentary,
then ofcourse I’ll feel nude when to where I’m destined I’m compared

[CHORUS]
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me
Am i lost or just found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
An avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He’s coming

Song of the moment: My immortal- Evanescence

I’m currently devouring my French 1B work, and is drowning in the process. There is an incredibly huge amount of workload for this course, gosh, im just making sure i float! It is indeed a blessing that IPIR proves to be easy, and international law although is annoyingly technical and boring is not too demanding as French 1B is. I’m taking a break from reading my notes and trying to do some readings in order to start writing my essay.

Essay title:

Through the character of Lucien, Malle presents us with an ambiguous portrayal of the ‘collaborateurs’. Discuss.

And you think IPIR questions were tough. If you dont understand what the question is about, then well, you’re normal. hahaha. I myself have some difficulty dissecting that question.

I feel like i’m just working to keep my mind off other things i’m not supposed to be thinking about. It works to a certain extent, and i feel a bit more calm knowing that im very much capable of working and producing productive writings despite being kept in a mental hospital.

Song of the moment: Haven’t met you yet- Michael Buble

Continued…

i REALLY indeed feel at peace with my inner being now. I have to salute psychiatric nurses and doctors for being incredibly good listeners and patient with me. I have talked everything but one thing out of my chest to them, and let them judge me one more time to tell me that i still need to relax some more. =S Honestly, i wonder who is the stubborn one in this losing fight of deciding who is right about one simple honest lunatic psychotic girl. =P

Oh for the LOVE of the World, i am NOT mental. I just need to relax, ok. thanks. i’m relaxing (writing this + listening to music= very therapeutic!). ok. i’m very relaxed. ok. go and do your freaking work. ok. cheers.

I actually believe this hospital and the nurses and doctors here are great compared to any mental hospital in Asia. There is a need for a shift in paradigm about mental hospital for all asians man. It is ALMOST paradise in this hospital for me right now. I just miss being around friends from Pollock Hall Turner House, tutorials for IPIR, International law and ESPECIALLY FRENCH 1B! I feel like my french is slipping through my fingers! I need the dictionary 24/7! ARRGHHH i cant do much of french stuff at all while being in here. On that note, my parents are here, and i do really x 10 appreciate them being here, especially my mom. My mom worries all the time, but then again, whose mom doesn’t? (i know there are moms who dont, but for MOST people i know who have moms, they do) I think i should be out of here very soon= the beginning of next week but for the moment, i can spend my days out of the hospital and be back for the night and pill and sleep.

I really want to thank everyone who have come up to see me. Some even got lost and skipped dinner and all just to come and see me. I have to name you, i’m sorry, but i think you are really angels in disguise for me. They are (in particular of the order of when they come) Carrie and Juliet, Esther and Jen, Irene and Sawdah, Jess and Esther, Laura and Sarah. THANK YOU! =D

Thank you too for the food (apple, green grapes and cookies and brownies, all YUMMIE!), for the hugs and for the chat! You guys made my day when you came. Thanks girls!

I end this entry with a happy note because i do love stories with happy endings, and that is again, as usual, a song. =)

Haven’t met you yet

Music and lyrics:

Performer: Michael Buble

Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I’ve Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It’ll All Turn Out
You’ll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I’ll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet

Mmmmm ….

I Might Have To Wait
I’ll Never Give Up
I Guess It’s Half Timing
And The Other Half’s Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It’s Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

Mmmmm ……

And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You’ll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I’ll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet

They Say All’s Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won’t Need To Fight It
We’ll Get It Right
And We’ll Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility

As lonely as i feel tonight

i embark again on the road

in twilight

wondering if the stars and moon will ever collide

wondering if the sun will shine and radiate

brilliant light and heat

tomorrow

this heart which knows most love and also hate

will ever find the Love that You are

pure and assured

gentle and simple

true and right

It is not a question but a mystery

since i who fails so often it boggles

the greatest mind why am i chosen

to do the things you will

never have to do or to

carry the responsibility

humans have abused and fled

for it is not me, so may you let

Christ Jesus into your life

and may He who is perfect

Be the Light and Brightest Star

Be the Man whom you will Love

Today forever and always.

28/10/2009

isn’t it in the hurt

one finds blinded love

Isn’t it in LOVING

one find immeasurable hurt?

How do you keep smiling

how do you keep the tears from falling?

How do you know you are cared

how do you if the care you want to share is the best

Oh gosh you can’t you CAN’T

You never will

So why try so hard to?

God CANNOT BE MOCKED. (Galatians 5:7b)

So do not mock LOVE

or the power it is capable of generating

it is not in love you judge, lock and unlock a person

it is not in hate you giver of freedom give

Then, in that case, are you loving, or

Are you NOT?

about 2.14 pm 29/10/2009

music and lyrics: Shamblin, Allen;Reid, Mike

Performed by: Bonnie Raitt

verse:
turn down the lights
turn down the bed
turn down these voices
inside my head
lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don’t patronize
don’t patronize me

chorus:
i can’t make you love me if you don’t
you can’t make your heart feel
somethin’ it wont
here in the dark,in these final hours
i will lay down my heart
and feel the power if you wont
no you wont
cuz i can’t make you love me
if you don’t

verse:
i’ll close my eyes
then i wont see
the love you dont feel
when your holdin’ me
morning will come
and i’ll do whats right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and i will give up this fight.

(chorus)

I’m sincerely apologetic for having voted in a poll that “international forces should pull out” as my choice. I was clearly not well-informed. I do have a lot of trust in Christiane Amanpour and her work inspired much of my current work for the NGO im trying to set up and still going pretty strong at the moment.

The problem of the Afghan war and any type of wars is that there is no unity. There is separation in thoughts, along the dividing line of culture, race, language and religion, the second last being the most profound in my opinion. There is so much being lost in translation (a film i know i should go watch someday) and how people interpret each other’s thoughts and beliefs based on the translation. The classic example is the translation of the Bible. There are about a dozen different translation of the same text. i HAVE NO IDEA which one is the best, but i stick with one, the New International Version. i know there are flaws with it, but i dont like changing to another just because there are flaws with one. There are flaws in all the translation simply because they are done by fellow humans.

It is the same concept with the case of Afghan and may i dare-say the vietnam war as well. It is never understood what the people of these countries wanted in the west, or rather in countries that were taking part in the conflict although it was obviously none of their business. Vietnamese is hard, and so is arabic. When God created this world, there is only one language, and yet, he condemns it to separation and misunderstanding by the creation of different languages (Genesis 11) and hence, impossible the task of world unification. The United Nations comes close to being a world government but IT IS NOT. I’m sorry, but there are a few countries that are not in that General Assembly like Taiwan and Palestine! And i DO believe they are meant to be countries with sovereignty one day. The more the world try to unite them with the respective countries they are having conflict with, the more the will not! They are so different with a totally different culture from the one they originate, why cant you just recognise them already???

Back to the translation of text and the issue of Afghan, how then we do resolve the problem of this wonderful people i have not even met but i think i already love them (thanks for the pictures, CNN! Christiane AMANPOUR!); i just havent met them yet. =)

How do we go about the resolve a conflict that is 30 years old?

Can i propose a resolution right here and i say it will work before i have to go through the torturous process of resolution drafting in the UN (and most of the time they dont amount to any proper action)?

Here we go.

The world has to unite in Love, in understanding each other, in sharing the same pain and the same joy, in knowing we are different only because we see that we are, we thought we are, we believe we are. What if we believe we don’t? what if we just imagine ourselves raceless, colourless, and faithless because there is only one faith- a trusting relationship with one Sovereign and Almighty King- and we know that the pain and joy we think we might not share are the same but disguised in different cultures and languages?

Emotions are raw materials of the being to express the inner soul. It is always permeable and is not state-bound or restricted by any boundaries or barriers. I remember trying to comfort my French host once she was very upset by just sitting there with her and doing nothing else. i  couldnt speak french very well and knew nothing much to say but to sit there and put one a sympathetic smile and a simple hand gesture of padding her shoulder. I also remember watching Christiane Amanpour’s Generation Islam and thinking “ oh gosh, we are not so different aren’t we!”. i remember watching Babel a moving starring Brad Pitt and Kate Blanchett and being deeply moved. I remember what the DVD summary said, “ Pain is universal”. It is through Love that the world will unite. Its through understanding, loving despite the language barrier that the world shall achieve peace. One practical question, how?

By learning languages, by exploring cultures, by getting involved in a manner that is educational and informative, by helping in peace and not in war. i think Ghandi made it clear to the world you can win without ever going to war. I love war studies, but i definitely hate it wars. Wars are justifiable, if they are consented by the Lord. and you know what, he rules over everything, so maybe all wars have happened for very good purposes. i know dont know what they are hahaha. =P

Therefore, please, pretty please support Ministry of Love International and nurture MOLI to become the one reason the world unite. She will always be MOLI and not MOL (sounds like MOLE, damn ugly!) and that is because she has to reach farther and wider to the youths, the generation today, tomorrow and future. I myself speak 4 languages, and im not even considered very smart, so i dont see why you cant be multi-lingual. It is possible!

Let us, yes, we the youths and the adults who are youthful in their spirit, unite and tell the TALIBAN :

“oh gosh, enough of your freaking nonsense! It’s time for peace!”

Music and lyrics:

Performer: Beyonce Knowles

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl…No…No
No broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken-hearted girl

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would’ve walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl…No…No
No broken-hearted girl

Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…Oooo
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Ain’t gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh

I don’t wanna be without my baby
I don’t wanna a broken heart
Don’t want to take a breath with out my baby
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don’t want a broken heart
I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl

Have i loved with no regrets to this day?

Have i lost you in my ways of loving?

no more than a stranger to this life than you are

no more than a gambler in the game of love

i lost till i have found

the reason to be safe and sound

in God’s arms of embrace

Only here i find my solace and

my aloneness magnified

For it is not justified love we look and long

For it is not me you search but i might

Love you.

31/10/09

In the morning light

a faint breath

sighs and pierces

through the darkness

tear apart the silent

splinters of hope scatter

resumed and consumed

its destiny

fear mighty and abound

to the hands of a Creator

sovereign and Almighty

The new dawn arises with new hope

a new child is born to this world

in the daylight of spring

in the dark she cries to her Father

Look at me and You sigh

Treasure me you say how

It is not me, again, not me

It is me being rejected to my soul

It is not me born to this earth

i am not me i am perfect

i am You i am not

lighten the the aches of women

broken the hearts of the men

reborn

still, silent, taken

to a new world i am.

1/11/09

Senior Admin 7 @ ACS (I) Teachers’ Day

gosh…i miss every one of them i cant believe it!

Oh Lord, im so tired

of playing this game

am I to never be loved

the way You love me

on this earthly place

am i so despicable

all you can do is abuse and hurt

all in the name of best care

oh GOSH JUST SHUT UP

So what am i to do now

The newborn child does not know much

thy kingdom thy will be done

Why does she love so much

why does she tolerate so much

why is she so nice

or is she

a witch

a liar

an actor

on the stage of life.

7.30 pm 3/11/2009

Tonight i cry for you my dear.

I cry for you because i can never

love you any longer.

I have exhausted all my energy

on loving. But, if

i stop loving

i have stopped living

in this life

where disappointments and lies

scatter like leaves on autumn days

they make your feet slippery

they colour the pathways you walk

and yet, without the fallen leaves

it is not autumn

So how do i get my strength

to continue this treacherous road

Only You Lord

Only you my King

One night with You is all i need

to get back to my tiny feet

And start walking all over again

You are my all You are the best

And i Love you.

I think

that is enough.

7.43 pm 3/11/09

I think imprisonment/house arrest in a mental hospital is a blessing. I have written a total of  9 poems and update my blog almost every day with rather interesting articles and update my facebook page more than i would normally have time for. i have also started writing the foundational documents for MOLI.

It is almost like living a dream without the sleeping part. I feel numb right now to any feeling/hurt/pain/anger and any sort of abuse. I feel like Bella in New Moon. I was too afraid to loose my Edward, and when Edward went away, Bella died emtionally and mentally. She found strength and comfort in extreme behaviors and so did i. She has a Jacob who loves her and i dont. That’s the gulf between me and Bella. There is another gulf, i’m not pretty as Bella is. And yet, i feel very much connected with Bella, maybe that’s why i love the series so much. Every girl’s dream is resembled in Edward Cullen, every guy’s dream in Bella. Maybe that’s why the books sell so well. It describes the perfect Love, the perfect scenario but the not so perfect journey of Love Bella and Edward go through. There are still flaws in that perfection, in that they are made perfect for each other but their journey of Love is not.

Isn’t it the same with the Church and God. Everything aside, the church is made perfect for God, or it is supposed to be. But the journey of Love the church and God go through is one coloured with pain, conflict, separation and fortunately, reconciliation. If that journey is so treacherous, why not let God lead and you the church follow?

Music and lyrics:?

Performer: Cheryl Cole

Oo much of anything can make you sick
Even the good can be a curse (curse)
Makes it hard to know which road to go down
Knowing too much can get you hurt.

Is it better? Is it worse?
Always sitting in reverse
It’s just like we’re going backwards.

I know where I want this to go
We’re driving fast but lets go slow
But I don’t want us to crash no.

Just know you’re not in this thing alone
There’s always a place in me that you can call home
Whenever you feel like we’re growing apart
Let’s just go back, back, back, back, back to the start.

Anything that’s worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quiting’s out of the question
When it gets tough, gotta fight some more.

We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
If it’s’ worth having, it’s worth fighting for (Oh).

Now everyday ain’t gon’ be no picnic
Love aint no walk in the park
All you can do is make the best of it now
Can’t be afraid of the dark.

Just know you’re not in this thing alone
There’s always a place in me that you can call home
Whenever you feel like we’re growing apart
Let’s just go back, back, back, back, back to the start.

Anything that’s worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quiting’s out of the question
When it gets tough, gotta fight some more.

We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
If it’s worth having, it’s worth fighting for (Oh).

I don’t know where we’re heading
I’m willing and ready to go.

We’ve been driving so fast
We just need to slow down
And just role.

Anything that’s worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quiting’s out of the question
When it gets tough, gotta fight some more.

We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
If it’s worth having, it’s worth fighting for (Oh).

We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
It’s worth having, it’s worth fighting for (Oh…).

On this night i get my freedom back finally. After almost a month being detained in hospital i finally get to sleep on my very comfortable bed in my room in Pollock. I cant put in words how much i miss my life before that episode.

There was a sense of immense joy of the sweet taste of freedom, and then there is something else, the bitter after taste of tasting something so sweet, it was bitter. I dont know what i have done wrong, and i think i do at the same time. If i could undo all my mistakes in this life, i would and probably wont at the same time. If i didnt make those mistakes am i not human? If i didnt love am i intolerably despicable? I felt, for the first time tonight, i’m really very alone in this world. no allies, no understanding, just me and God on this stretch of a winding road i cant seem to continue.

I know my work, i know my responsbilities, i know my mistakes and i know the consequences. If i have ever hurt anyone in this process, i think my heart has broken to pieces for that person, doesnt matter who. If i have caused hurt just because i was so self-absorbed, then i must be condemned to some sort of fate i cant see. It is as if one hurdle passes and the next obstacle awaits me eagerly. and then again, when was life ever easy.

i would absolutely hate myself i have caused you, the readers any sort of pain at all. It was never intended that on my part i can promise. If you have suffered in any way because i was so selfish, lash it out then on me and no one else. Lash out and condemn me and no one else. And i, i who had always felt she had never deserved Love of any kind, is willing to take the punishment, of any kind.

I have lost any fight, as i have always lost. there is no fighting in love, only understanding and kindness and forgiveness, and perhaps, the most difficult of them all, letting go.

Oh Lord, i have never felt so alone in my life.

I realise, i am now no longer of this earth. Nothing in this earth can satisfy me. I have never been born to belong to anyone any place any country and city any church any school or even university exclusively. As much as  i want to belong here, i’m so rejected to my soul and being it is pointless i continue my fight to belong.

Btw, think: belong = be + long. i have never been in this earth long.

I belong to my God my Creator my Father my King. I love my husband JESUS CHRIST and i’m so sorry dear i havent been spending time with You my Lord as much as i have spent time convincing the humans i’m of them. Indeed i didnt know i’m not.

Tonight the moonlight guided my path to You my King. I kneeled to receive your blessings once more. I cried and asked ” Oh Lord why me, why have you foreshaken me!?!!!” and the Lord shows me this earth is not where i have been born to belong.

My child, you have a destiny to fulfill. You are not made for here. Get up and get going. Do what the humans tell you. be obedient and blameless. they know not what you know. My Love for you is more than enough. My strength will be your strength. I will show you the way my child.

Thank you my Lord

am i not reborn to be yours only

thank You Christ Jesus whose name is also mine

I love You and

I know now

My life is for You only Lord my King my Husband

I am your Bride

You are my Eternal King and Soulmate

and i Love You so.

Music and lyrics: Nichole Nordeman

No chain is strong enough
No choice is wrong enough
No mountain high enough that He
can’t climb

No shadow dark enough
No night is black enough
No road is lost enough that He can’t find

And if the Son has set us free
Then we must be, free indeed
Let the chains fall away, starting today
Everything has changed
I’m finally free

No pain is deep enough
No heart could bleed enough
Nothing but Jesus’ love can make a way

And if the Son has set us free
Then we must be, free indeed
Let the chains fall away, starting today
Everything has changed
I’m finally free

Performer: Jennifer Hudson

Dream girls soundtrack.

And I am telling you
I’m not going
You’re the best man I’ll ever know
There’s no way I can ever go
No, no, there’s no way
No, no, no, no way I’m living without you
I’m not living without you
I don’t wanna be free
I’m staying
I’m staying
And you, and you
You’re gonna love me, oohh ooh mm mm
You’re gonna love me

And I am telling you
I’m not going
Even though the rough times are showing
There’s just no way, there’s no way
We’re part of the same place
We’re part of the same time
We both share the same blood
We both have the same mind
And time and time, we’ve had so much to see and
No, no, no, no, no, no
I’m not waking up tomorrow morning and finding that there’s nobody there

And I mean there’s no way
No, no, no, no way I’m living without you
I’m not living without you
You see there’s just no way, there’s no way

Please dont go away from me stay with me stay with
me stop standin ahahayo try it mister try it mister i
know i know i kmow u can

Tear down the mountains
Yell, scream, and shout like you can say what you want
I’m not walking out
Stop all the rivers, push, strike, and kill
I’m not gonna leave you
There’s no way I will

And I am telling you
I’m not going
You’re the best man I’ll ever know
There’s no way I can ever, ever go
No, no, no, no way
No, no, no, no way I’m living without you
Oh, I’m not living without you, not living without you
I don’t wanna be free
I’m staying, I’m staying
And you, and you, and you
You’re gonna love me

You’re gonna love me, yes you are
Ooh ooh love me, ooh ooh ooh love me
Love me, love me, love me, love me

You’re gonna love me

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What does the worker gain from his toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on men. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. ¹³ That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

¹⁵ Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before;
and God will call the past to account. ^[a]

¹⁶ And I saw something else under the sun:
In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
in the place of justice—wickedness was there.

¹⁷ I thought in my heart,
“God will bring to judgment
both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
a time for every deed.”

Eccelesiastes 3: 1-17

I’m burden to share something here.  It is that the world, you lot, need to know the timing for everything. If you don’t, then stop trying to predict and leave it to the God Almighty. He will reveal it through me. I can guarantee that. It is a promise i believe i can keep. Then again, He will not reveal everything at one go, so stop thinking i’m raving mad when i’m not.

The Bible says

² Do not be quick with your mouth,
do not be hasty in your heart
to utter anything before God.
God is in heaven
and you are on earth,
so let your words be few.

³ As a dream comes when there are many cares,
so the speech of a fool when there are many words.

Ecclesiastes 5: 2-3

I shall from now on be less talkative and be not quick nor hasty with my words. I do have dreams and i shall reveal to you all each one by one. Today i reveal one obvious one,

MOLI shall be force to be reckoned with world over.

Oh Lord,

I pray you guide my mouth, my tongue and lips to speak only words pleasing to my Lord Husband now Lord.

Help me to praise Him and bring Him honor for the rest of my earthly life.

In Jesus’ Most precious Name,

Amen

I have about 15 mins to blog/change/get ready to study. ok

I finally found my reason for being in hospital for so long. It was a total of 3 weeks. (14/10- 4/11) I once said somewhere that only when you have understood God’s purpose you really understand the purpose of anything. How true.

I felt as if finally i found my reason in madness.

First of all, the 3 weeks was a break from work. It was a time to commune with God, as i spent generous time reading the Bible, talking and praying to God and writing for God. I felt as though i was there to learn patience and self- control as well.

Secondly, i was there because i was too obsessed with loving and looking for earthly love. God needed to teach me it is always his Love, His only that can satisfy me fully and completes me. I deserve no other love from no one else.

Thirdly, i prayed to God that He would deem me worthy to suffer for His cause, and He indeed granted me my wish and so i’m very honored to have been deemed by the King and His Almighty to be worthy to suffer (although its not that bad a suffering compared to many others).

Fourthly, i am now churchless and small-groupless at the moment thanks to that. No sarcasm detected. I need a break from both to do God’s work. Attending small group had been very amazing, very nice and very good but it is all very self-gratifying and i believed i have served the small group as much as i can. I have introduced stuff that i thought the small group needs and it was time for me to move on. Had i been allowed back, it would be indeed paradise, and i would forget all about my work for MOLI.

So, the action plan?

First- get my studies out of the way.

2nd- get the work for MOLI going- the deadline for my documentation work and research ends next spring in March. March 28 to be exact.

3rd- i still need to sort out my impatience training. im sure this is it but yeah, oh well, God i trust in You completely and i depend only on Your strength.

Research for MOLI begins with me church-hopping for a period of 2 months. I will visit all baptist churches  + Destiny a charismatic church beginning from next week when my parents have left. i will research on 3 areas: teaching, worship and programs of the church in relations to the youth.

After the church hopping thing is done, i will continue with organsations-hopping where i will volunteer for children-oriented charities and understand how these organisations are run. This is a cruel time, because this is when i will need to combine my research on churches with orgs and decide the direction for MOLI in documents.

I’m actually thinking right now if the deadline should be moved to one more year to 2011. but we’ll see. ok.thats it. back to the books and lacombe lucien =)

I didnt know there’s a movie called ‘Molly’ released on home video in 2004 and is about a mental autistic girl whose mind works like a child; uncaring, unconcerned and carefree. She is also afraid of loud noises. She is taken care by her brother who gets frustrated with her sometimes, whom she embarrasses many times and whom she is completely dependent on.

Isn’t the movie just made for me. I was looking for a movie for 2004. I was thinking of Miss Congeniality which is also another good girl power movie. But this one, it is really made for me xD

I feel like a child half the time. Although i do feel very grown-up being 20 going on 21, i feel sometimes i just want to be a child. I smile and i grin when i see a little a kid, a dog or any sort of cuddly animals, especially cats! I love tigger from winnie the pooh! Tigger is ORANGE  as well weeee!!! =D

I feel like a child that dances when she sees ballet on tv, sings along with almost anything on her Itunes that she can sing to, loves the beat of the a catchy song and will dance and tap along, loves kids and animals and squeaks when she sees her favourite things, eats without much table manners, doesnt understand many adult talks and hates hospitals heh.

And, i also have Buck of my own who is Christ Jesus, whom i embarrass so many times i can also feel the shame,and yet, he cares for me even more unconditionally than Buck. He doesnt get angry, he is patient, He is kind and He Loves me more than i can love myself. He’s God, He’s Love!

I have been feeling as though i need to give myself a break. I need to forgive myself. Ive been saying sorry to people all the time, apologising for my maddening behaviors last months, but i think, i need to forgive myself. I need to know God holds no record of wrong, and i need to know God has forgiven me. I then need to forgive those who cant forgive me and even those who i say sorry to. I still feel very uneasy around them, as though i dont even deserve in their presence.

Lord, I thank you for You who sent your Son to die for me. That is Love. That is the Love i have, how can i ask for more. Please help me to be always contented in Your LOVE.

MOLI is growing! =D

“Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

¹⁵ There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor ^[a] a door of hope.
There she will sing ^[b] as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

¹⁶ “In that day,” declares the LORD,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master. ^[c] ‘

¹⁷ I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
no longer will their names be invoked.

¹⁸ In that day I will make a covenant for them
with the beasts of the field and the birds of the air
and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
I will abolish from the land,
so that all may lie down in safety.

¹⁹ I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in ^[d] righteousness and justice,
in ^[e] love and compassion.

²⁰ I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.

²¹ “In that day I will respond,”
declares the LORD—
“I will respond to the skies,
and they will respond to the earth;

²² and the earth will respond to the grain,
the new wine and oil,
and they will respond to Jezreel. ^[f]

²³ I will plant her for myself in the land;
I will show my love to the one I called ‘Not my loved one. ^[g] ‘
I will say to those called ‘Not my people, ^[h] ‘ ‘You are my people’;
and they will say, ‘You are my God.’ “

Hosea 2: 14-23

i dont know if sometimes my interpretation of the Bible is accurate…because i seriously think i must have interpreted it wrong in some ways. That’s just me thinking. But God, wow God,…

He showed me the ways and reasons, and i have never understood them but i just knew them. I got the idea that im married to Christ from somewhere i cant remember but i know i have to be. And God confirms it that very fateful Thursday night.

Tonight, the 2nd day of  week 8 of studies, from Hosea 2, verse 16, God shows me why i am married to Christ. I have committed adultery because i have loved 2 men at a time, and now i realise i might have loved none and probably deserve none. I deserve a greater love than that, the One true King and Husband and Beloved. I feel like i’m some distant relationship sometimes hahaha. =P

My lord, I pray a simple pray that You will help me live this earthly life for You and Your purposes. Your will be done through me, Your chosen insignificant small servant, to do Your  Holy Mighty and Amazing Work, whose banner is Love .(thank you Auntie Annie!)

I have proved that God=You= Love (click to see)

I will continue YOUR GLORIOUS WORK Lord! You deserve all praises!

May this earth one day sing to You my King a new song in Love!

Amen

I surrender

Music and lyrics: Vineyard

i’m giving You my heart, all that is within
I lay it all down, for the sake of You my King

I’m giving You my dreams, laying down my rights
I’m giving up my pride, for the promise of new life*

And I surrender all to You, all to You
And I surrender all to You, all to You

I’m singing You this song, I’m waiting at the cross
All the world holds dear, I count it all as loss

For the sake of knowing You, for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

And I surrender it all to you, all to You

I feel remotely well, with some sort of a fever now or some kind of cold or dont know what it is, i’m feeling quite sick. Please pray for me. Thank you =)

To make things worse, my mind refuses to stop playing a silent movie that seems as if it had been filmed from another era. I couldnt think of reasons why i cant get the movie out of my head, but i know i enjoy watching it in my head just as much as i detest knowing it will only be a short span of memories for me to treasure, never to be experienced again.

I’ve struggled with a few issues lately. I’m struggling to not find something to blame for my current situation of small-groupless, churchless and sometimes it feels like friendless. I drag my feet to classes sometimes knowing i dont know many people in my lecture any many somehow i feel dont welcome the sight of me. am i still that despicable?

I dragged myself to tuts sometimes knowing i didnt do my work and get so incredibly lost i wonder how i’m going to catch up. I’m low on motivation right now bah…SORRY Lord, but my mood just swings from high to low and although i’m quite prepared for it, it always hit hard as usual.

Back to the blaming thing, i wonder if i had been rational that fateful friday night, i wouldnt have been here, wouldnt have been in mental hospital im sure, wouldnt have hurt a friendship and a person and wouldnt have hey, embark on my very proper plans to make MOLI a force to be reckon with.

I think God was telling me, He can use my mistakes and make something good out of it. He was also telling me, that was enough of enjoying life, that was enough of being very comfortable and loved by Man, that was enough of self-gratification of having friends and everything else in good order. He would allow Satan to shake it uncontrollably and test to see how i would react. My life is still in a mess, with some bills unpaid, some essays undone, some relationships needing proper care and mending, but my inner being is at peace, incredible peace with God. I know this is the road i have to walk, i just didnt realise how lonely this can get. What if i didnt deliver MOLI to this world…will i be able to enjoy my own happiness and bliss without a care for the world? What if im not chosen Lord? What if i just really want a simple life with Love all days of my life? I’m doubting my ability to carry MOLI through, what if i fail so miserably MOLI will not grow to be the girl/organisation God wants?

I’m so scared right now facing the future of uncertainties abound. But, i know, there is Christ Jesus who takes my hands and He has never failed to understand. Oh Lord i NEED some real encouragement right now…

oh a more positive note, i might be offered a very prestigious job offer in the US for next summer and will able to learn about management and organisations, and stuff about selling a product and marketing and all sorts of exposure i would need to run MOLI. i’m indeed still very very incredibly blessed. My parents are still around to take care of me and they have been wonderful although sometimes my attitude towards them is not very commendable. i’M sorry mom and dad, incredibly sorry but my mood swings are just bad around this time. and i know you understand =)

okie…back to beloved books  =)

The title says it all. It’s got to be a happy day for mom. I’m just glad she had a good day while i might have not in my opinions.

I just read through Joshua 24. I thought I should make a convenant for myself and for the people who will be MOLI’s supporters, partners and fellow soldiers for the Lord in this last battle.

I’ve been struggling with continuing the work of MOLI although right now the Lord has given me all the plans i need to occupy myself for at least the next 2 months.

There is a reason why im churchless- i need to church hop like i said to do my research on churches.

There is a reason why im small-group/cell group less- I need time for my studies and my work for MOLI

There is a reason why i’m without the presence of friends nowadays- it is time to discover new ones( while maintaining the existing friendships of cuz)=)

All things happen for a purpose. i’m supposed to be thrown into the wilderness for the endurance testing and God-dependency testing.

Finally, I thank my dad who today spoke the words of encouragement and wisdom in citing Moses as the example i can follow. Moses was chosen to lead His chosen out of the wilderness, slavery into the Promised land. He suffered tremendous scorn and rejection from his own supposed brothers the pharaohs . He later even suffered more when the people rejected him and the Lord when they were into the promised land. I cant find enough comfort from this. I’m sorry if you think im mad, but i will reiterate that i have never wanted to be chosen for anything. Spiderman didnt like his ability later when he realise the responsibilities he had. so didnt i.

But, i am chosen to do His work. It is an honor, a responsibility i take seriously, a mission and a call. I cannot deny this, although my selfish me would love to abandon everything and lead my own quiet contented life. MOLI was born to me and not to you and i have always felt as if i need to save the world heh.

So here i am before You Lord, committing myself once again to You who has chosen this insignificant child to be your humble servant in Christ so they the humans might live to see You father face to face one day. Here i am before   You oh King, to bow one more time, and embrace my Love and the child You have bore again to this world. I pray that You will continue to guide me, lead me and show me the way Lord, for i get lost so easily in the tangles of this earthly life. Father, please remind me no Love is greater than Yours, and i am ready again to be blameless, to be Loving in all circumstances, to be patient and kind, to never boast or win arguments for the sake of winning but to always dedicate myself to winning another soul for Christ. I dedicate my life to you this night again and ask that You will remind me Lord, of these promises all the time. In Jesus’ most precious name i pray,

Amen

Excon(victs) Dinner and Dance Retro night 2008?( i think it was 2007 oh man cant remember sheila help! lol)

I think one cell group is good enough,. Excons i MISS YOU GUYS ARRGHHHH.

I love these people so much. They grew up with me, they cried me with, they laughed with me and most important of all , we love and grow in the Lord together as a wonderful group who faithfully meet (not all the time so faithful unfortunately lolll) every saturday, trading secular fun for a time studying the Lord’s Word.

WHOOAAA I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU ALL at Christmas. JUSTIN YOU WILL do the tiramisu again! Sorry i think the last time it was not very  good (too sweet loll..sorry! =P)

Thank you for keeping me in your prayers although im 7000 miles away from you. I really miss Anyi. hello girl if you are reading, how have you been!

i dun remember the event…but oh wow…i miss the 2 of you to bits right now!

oKIE..I need to study bah! Lacombe Lucien, here i come!

I think the freaking medicine is seriously impairing my creativity. It’s just evident in the titles of my posts…i cant seem to get anymore creative than that. I’m sorry…

Im seriously considering why on the LORD’S LOVE AND THE LORD’S WILL why i have to be treated for something i have been successfully coping with for 20 years of my life. I hate all doctors, im sorry. i just hate all. Im very sorry. i RESPECT them a lot, but i that do not mean anything else.

Do you know why, like seriously why i was in MENTAL HOSPITAL? do you really want to know? it will break your heart. but Lord, I owe you this letter and it is for You only. I will lose myself but if losing myself means gaining a Love that is so satisfying i will never have to go looking for Love again, i will.

I was heart-broken. You broke my heart, even though you thought you loved. I couldnt bare a single thought of that episode any more than i can right now. but i have to Lord, i need to face it right now one last time and i need to move on. I need to do your work and i cant do your work if i just keep on looking back into the past and find absolutely nothing i want to look back to, maybe, maybe the silent movie is the only one worth watching, but even that gets stale and the tapes get blurry…

I remember that night, i remember my tears couldnt stop. i remember my heart like a fragile piece of glass being dropped from the sky down to earth, scattered into millions of unreconcilable  pieces . i remember tugging my hands to hold my chest tight, like i couldnt breathe, i remember my tears, my tears which i could reverse in public flow without a stopping sign, a button to hit. Oh God wasnt that pain, pain beyond knowing what is pain, like a sword piercing through without hesitation, i bled and i thought i would  never stop. I remember oh Lord, i remember my tears choking me from within, blinding me from anything i could have seen, i remember my mind swirl in its infinite might, and i cried and cried and i just didnt know what else i could have done. sleep didnt bring comfort, only a temporary respite from feeling pain. I remember the morning didnt bring hope, just another day, another day of another day of another time i felt anguish, a faint breathe of utter despair, a loneliness that engulfed my being, an incurable sadness that made me so sick it must be a disease. I walked and i couldnt stop crying, couldnt stop crying, couldnt stop thinking is this everything it feels to have loved and be loved in return? If this is what it is on this earth Lord, i want no part from no man. please just stop, stop hurting because i reached my very limit, and broke to tears on the street, i spiralled downwards to the bottomless pit of emotions and felt like complete loser fool in a game i played along at my own risk with no rules and guidance. but i wanted him to see it for himself, and i wanted to teach the man his lesson and i thought i could play the game, but i couldnt no longer. no longer Lord no longer.

Do you know you cause this? do you oh God does man know what he can do to hurt? the power of hurt is sometimes so powerful! It drives me crazy! It stopped me from eating, i saw food and i cried, and i cried when i saw friends, and i saw the colour of blue, the bible, the people knowing not Christ but the gospel that night and i cried. I remember crying silently as they prayed, and they understood You oh Christ Jesus is the only reason they are here, they are living and breathing, that they have life and have it so good. I cried because Oh Lord, how could he turn away from Christ and hurt me so, and does he know he hurt me so much it let me to where i am now, a mental patient, a PATIENT who FREAKING NEEDs DRUGS to keep me sane. i was driven insane not by myself, oh Lord, oh lORD, NOT BY MYSELF! who could understand me but You lORD, WHICH HUMAN CAN

I thought u can, i thought you did, i thought you were God-sent, i thought you were everything i have dreamt into reality. but thats it, thats all you would be, i just didnt know, a dream. it was so beautiful, i didnt want to wake up and the Lord had to hit my hard to make me stop dreaming. you will have no idea how much i appreciate you, no idea.

Tonight, Oh Father in Heaven, i put my heart on the cross, i put my isaac on the sacrificial table and pray that you will take this blameless and holy offering. You have given me and now i pray that you will take away, all that is Yours. I have You my Lord and that is enough. I live this life, this worthless life not for myself, but it is worthy and deemed blameless because of Your Blood on the Cross. You my King, deserves every part of this life, nothing of it is not Yours, every single breathe is Yours. so Lord, take from me as you have given me.

This life consecrate to Thee

This Heart Yours always

This path mine to walk

The narrow road i shall

To You my King i shall

Who else will Love me

as You do

no one,

no one else

Im sorry for all the gloom and doom and rather sickening tone the blog is having at the moment. but, i need to get gloom before i can well, gloriously return to my fomer glorious days of carefree life hah…right.

To end this rather gloomiest of gloom episode, i’ll end of with a song, as usual =D

Vanessa: i really miss you listening to this blah!(recall: O levels geo mugging session at your house!) Coming back to singapore for christmas at all? shall we meettttt????

The Blower’s Daughter

Music and lyrics: Damien Rice

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies

I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes…

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We’ll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower’s daughter
The pupil in denial

I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes off you
I can’t take my eyes…

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can’t take my mind off you
I can’t take my mind off you…
I can’t take my mind off you
I can’t take my mind off you
I can’t take my mind off you
I can’t take my mind…
My mind…my mind…
‘Til I find somebody new

Is the reason you are reading this blog.

When i first share with people in Singapore about this blog, it was because i want use something to share Christ, or rather Christ wants to me to use something to share Himself. I can only think of my blog as a rather interesting thing that people may read and know Christ. And then, i wasnt even referring to the current blog (referring to people may read and know Christ), i was referring to my old blogs. I realise now nobody bothers to go to the archive (the story so far) anymore because this blog is somehow self-sustaining. That is not good.

Blogging to me, dearies, is not about doing it right in your eyes or doing it wrong in my parents’ eyes and doing it selfishly in my eyes. There is a reason why there are so many posts that are hard to understand; they are not meant to be understood! Only people who understands somehow do. I’m just amazed that some did when i expected none to. I’m even more amazed that some read when i definitely don’t expect them to.

I put my blog up on FB because of MOLI. I could never bring myself to do a proper website for Her and that’s why my blog has to serve as a medium for her to be known for the moment. The moment will be over soon i promise, i THINK.

But, it has never been because i want people to understand me and i spread my blog around. I always , always, thought/think of MOLI first. But i also thought, a person is always more interesting than an organisation, and i need MOLI to be supported. So i used myself, and whatever i thought i can keep people interested enough through me in Christ, to support MOLI. if they dont support me, they would not support MOLI.

moLi (thats  how it should be written actually) is the only reason why i bother to write this (i mean this post). I wouldnt bother otherwise… Because i need moLi to be supported and to grow, and support is the first thing i can think of right now that you can do. how? through prayers. I have always asked for your prayers and support, nothing else havent i? if i did ask of something else, please remind me lol. I remember just these 2 for now, because i dont think as an organisation shes ready to have anymore workers at the moment. As a child, she just needs one caregiver for now, although i have known so many who are willing to lend support of more than just prayers now.

moLi needs you and hence i need you. not the other way round. moLi needs a reputation, hence i kind of have to have one, but not the other way round. i hate being well-known, being followed, being admired, being well, anything to do with worldly recognition. i had it all for some, and it was never what i thought it would be, it’s just meaningless.

I dont care if i’m labelled a mental crazy untrustworthy unsound maniac, i really dont IF Christ is preached because i was all that. I cant be bothered how you think of me, because seriously? i couldnt have it worst in singapore and i cant have it worse here (maybe a criminal is the last stage before mental patient), and i still dont really care.

why bother, if God is preached, if Christ is  known, if the gospel, which is JESUS CHRIST is shared, if people are praying and uniting to pray to one God one sovereign King, if people think of Christ and Christianity, if people just discuss Christ and that God’s Name is mentioned and being talked about?

My purpose is then fulfilled, partially, that Christ is preached, and i, who is selfish, impatient and lacking self-control, can be used to be trampled on for Christ. That, is an honor.

A dear friend wrote a timely email and i thought it was timely i readdress the growing audience of this blog.

I have no apology for what i wrote, because i didnt write so you may know me for the sake of understanding me and forget about moLi or the reason why im writing in the first place, for God to understand me. How i write is oh well…i always use plural YOU, and it means a lot of time you as in Man in general, sometimes more private, but thats just for me to let it out, and for God to know.

I’ve been in communion with Him this morning before writing this, and He said several things i’m very afraid of. i dont even know how to run moLi at the moment, i HAVE ALMOST NO IDEA! i’m just doing what He told me in steps and hopefully i’ll get there. But, I wont give up, i cant yet! The starting is the hardest, and the foundation is the hardest, and i shan’t be swayed to give moLi up for my own selfish reasons.

So, i end with a few verses that means a lot to me right now.

Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. “Do not fear what they fear, do not be frightened.” But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.”

1 Peter 3;13-15

Is the soundtrack of my life. I finally almost finish my essay on a film for french 1B and I’M SO HAPPY. I should finish it by tonight so then i shall stop harping about it and i thank God for being very generous in providing me incredible calm to stir through this brewing storm in my life. I feel like i was SO going to drown in Int’l law, but i pray He will help me again. Indeed, the studies out of the way before i can do any work for MOLI.

Im thinking of sending out monthly prayer requests for MOLI. It’ll prolly start after my exams sorry!

Just for those who are keeping me in prayers, my exam timetable and details loll.. (THANK YOU OLGA!)

U04175 -
School of Law – International Law (IR) International Law (IR)
Location: Playfair Library
Date/Time: Saturday 12/12/2009, 14:30-16:30 (02:00)

U02397 -
School of Social and Political Science – Introduction to Politics and International Relations
Location: The Pleasance Sports Hall
Date/Time: Wednesday 09/12/2009, 09:30-11:30 (02:00)

This song speaks my mind for these few days. I cant tell you how much i want to be able to make music again.

Realise

music and lyrics: Colbie Callait

V1: Take time to realize,
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn’t I, Didn’t I tell you.

But I can’t spell it out for you,
No it’s never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

C: If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we’d be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we’d never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

V2: Take time to realize
Oh-oh I’m on your side
didn’t I, didn’t I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by
Didn’t I tell you

But I can’t spell it out for you,
no it’s never gonna be that simple
no I can’t spell it out for you.

C: If you just realized what I just realized
then we’d be perfect for each other
then we’d never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we’d never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

V3: It’s not always the same
no it’s never the same
if you don’t feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

C: If you just realize what I just realized
then we’d be perfect for each other
then we’d never find another
Just realize what I just realized
we’d never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized

If you just realize what I just realized

OoOoOOo

missed out on each other now
missed out on each other now

Realize, realize
realize, realize

I finally updated the page! click!

I cant believe how lazy i am but i got to it anyway. i’m still writing the foundational documents for MOLI and the only completed thing is the mission statement heh.

Please please pray that i will be able to continue with the work for MOLI very soon! My current state of panic for my studies have left me to be virtually impaired to do anything else. I’m very much stressed by my work at the moment bah!

I really would take this opportunity to appeal for MOLI, if you have any amazing ideas, any great suggestions (actually they dont need to be amazing or great) please please comment or let me know when you see me in person??? I have twirling idea that i really need to finally establish a group to run MOLI with me very soon. i will start with prayer requests but like i said, i’m too drown in my studies at the moment to do anything. Please keep me in prayers blah! Thanks! (i feel somehow very self-absorbed at the moment)

Okie, another song! I think my greatest regret in this life would be not to learn to play an instrument  properly. I learnt piano when i was 5 and then i stopped 5 years later. i was told i had talents by my teacher then in vietnam, but hayz, lets just say it will be untapped talent haha!  (if there is any to begin with honestlly). I can sing though, and for now, thats enough =)

Cut

Music and lyrics: Plumb

I’m not a stranger
No I am Yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I’m tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn’t be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don’t want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I’m tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I’m not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I’m tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

I’m sorry the progress of moli will be stagnant for a while. But this is what im still trying to do:

Pray for moli- please, i seek prayers for her, that i will find a proper vision and direction for this infant NGO to be truly an expression of the glory of God. sometimes i think about why i was given Moli, why did i send the email out, why was i chosen to do it all…and im confounded by all that the Lord entrusts. I wonder why such an insignificant person like me should be chosen to do God’s very honorable work and then i have my answer. i prayed about it, i asked Him for it.

I pray once again that you the readers will support me first in prayers. I promise i will send out prayer requests for moli soon in due time (after my exams) and hope by then more people will join in MoLi’s cause.

Church-research- by God’s grace, i have found people who are willing to accompany me to the different churches that i will be visiting so im glad. There will be times when i really dont feel like doing it any longer, but i pray that God will protect me even as i make myself very vulnerable by being almost churchless. So pray that i will be given the wisdom to learn from my experiences with each church i visit and how the things i learn can be applied to the setting up of MOLI.

Also, this is  a more personal update, but, i will RE-DEDICATE MY HEART, SOUL and MIND to the work of the Lord to whom im reborn and transformed.

Father in Heaven,

continue to Your work with me inside out

Mould me to love and understand and always

be patient and kind and self-controlled

to always live my life for You

Amen

I’m on the verge of completing my puzzle of the mind. Ive finally able to put the pieces together and understand what happened the past month, what happened in my episode of madness.

But

One piece is missing. And i know what it is but i havent found it yet. or maybe i have found it but i have no idea how the piece is supposed to fit in. no. i indeed havent found it yet.

There is one link to the missing piece but the link is broken and i need to fix the link first.

Please pray along with me that God will help me put everything together, complete this puzzle and then move on with my life. Finding the missing piece tore me to pieces and made me feel incredibly lost and now that ive found  where can i find it thanks to God’s incredible guidance and peace, i need to find it. It’s as if i know the place of the piece; i just need to go find it now.

That piece is a person, and the link is a friendship. I think if i can find both i will have completed by mission. But,

what if i don’t? what if the piece is supposed to be left to be lost and never found? will i still then, Lord, be able to move on?

Only You know,

and You lead and i will follow

Where my Lord leads will be green pastures

where my Lord guides my soul will find peace

i His sheep belong to the Shepherd

and Lord You and i shall walk this narrow path

together

I am no afraid to fall

for now You will catch me

and get me through it all

I am not afraid to lose

for I have You as my precious

what else have i to gain

I am not afraid to walk

because You are by my side

Through the night and day

the joy and the pains

the raging rivers and high mountains

the loneliness and the sadness

I will find You my Lord

for You have called my name

and I know

I am Yours.

Dear Lord,

Thank you.

I took back my heart and it was and is whole. It is now Yours till You tell me to give it away to someone.

Lord, You were so gracious and kind and in that moonlight, I know You were watching, very step, very move, everything…no longer a result of impulse madness, but of reason and clear-mindedness.

Father, Your grace overwhelms me and Your Love washes me as white and spotless as snow.

I pray that this heart will be protected and nurtured by You for Your kingdom from now till forever.

Amen

I will walk the same path again…not the same way i did at least.

for the first time days, i feel completely whole.

Brooke Fraser – Shadowfeet

Walking,stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward home,a land that i’ve never seen
I am changing: less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day

[CHORUS]
when the world has fallen out from under me
I’ll be found in You, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I’ll be found in You

Theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it’s easier to stay
but I’ve heard rumours of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way

[CHORUS]

You make all things new

[CHORUS]

[CHORUS 2]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I’ll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
when time and space are through
I’ll be found in you

Wow, that must have been the longest hiatus this blog has suffered yet. I was obviously busy. I really thank God i pulled through the whole semester and it ended on such a high note. To God be the glory indeed. It is just regretful to me i didnt thank Him and pray before the law exam and yet, it went well and i know God was there. When i realise how much He had provided, through to the last part of the whole ride. Thanks to Him, i not only enjoyed my revision, i gained incredible amount of wonderful knowledge (no sarcasm detected) and have grown to really love my course, including international law. On that note, i’m seriously considering taking International relations and international law next year.

Ok, I will continue on this promisingly long post tomorrow when i’m a bit less tired and having a clearer mind to think through everything i need to reflect on for semester 1. For now, a warm shower, tea, in the Word with God and prayers end my funtastical day.

23/12/2009

On the eve of the eve of Christmas here in the Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, i finally found some solace and quietness to dwell on my many thoughts, reserved from a days-long period of  absence from this blog. I have too many thoughts you see, and in my inadequateness of writing and thinking coherent sentences, i didnt have neither the motivation to start my ‘promisingly long post’, nor did i possess any eagerness for reflection. And yet, i know the importance of such process, and because of that knowledge, i will do so at this moment.

Im sorry i couldnt finish the last post although i had various for it. It was really me not disciplined enough to sit down and pen my thoughts and so i let them flow and washed away in the vacuum of memories. For now, i want to dedicate this post to the Lord and reflect on how i would want 2010 to turn out.

2010

Is the year i will be officially an adult. that  thought scares me immensely for some reasons. I’m just not ready. Lord, please help me to grow to be the woman after Your own heart.

Is the year i will be officially a citizen of Singapore.

will be exciting because i already have plans that are quite concrete for the moment.

is the year i pray i need to pray more than i ever did before

will mark my first year away from home

is dedicated to the Lord

is when i want to know Jesus more than i want anything

is the year i reaffirm my stand as a child of God, a soldier in Jesus Christ’s army and a disciple of Him.

Oh Lord, please help me to love You, know You and remain in You all this year!

Amen

In less than 24 hours i will again board the plane bringing me back to the land of fog and rain to continue another semester, a fresh new year. Here i sit with the all the melancholiness of a year that had gone past and what awaits in the near future. I’m not sure what to make of what will happen, or what had happened. So many thoughts cloud my mind right now. There is not a single clear answer to my questions to myself.

I must have repeated my story-the eventful semester and the unbelievable episode of being hospitalised- more than 10 times to different groups of people. For each time the story is repeated, i gain new insights of what might have happened. I do not deny what i had done. i do not deny the fact now that i am ill, mentally ill. I’m just having such a hard time dealing with all the guilt and painful memories i somehow could not erase. There are too the ones i wish would remain with me. I know they are in the past, they have gone and forgotten by most but to me, they are so beautiful, i could hardly try to forget.

Lord, could You please, please show me how i am to move forward regardless of what i had done. I long so much for the one thing i lacked and now have gotten. Why do i still go looking for this when I know You are You and You provide for me more than i could even ask for.

Oh Lord, im sorry but coherence fails me at this hour. I’m on my knees. and i pray that i will lead a life that pleases You, that honors You and Lord, show me, please, which way to go forward, how to, once again, build a self-esteem that is founded in You.

I’m not sure i’m ready to let go of everything that had happened in last semester. To me, there are some moments, the precious ones that i still hold on dearly. I’m just not sure what God will do with me with all that baggage i have. I’m really not sure what will happen this semester. Maybe that’s the beauty of uncertainty. Everything is in God’s hands and He who has plans to only prosper me and never to harm me, will let me know His plans for me in due time. I’m nevertheless worried. Heh…

Edinburgh is now covered in a layer of pristine snow and everything is coated white. It is so very pretty! The weather however cold it maybe should bring me joy. I like cold weather =) In fact i’ll rather freeze than burn. Aesthetically, freezing is also more beautiful- you become a block of ice- than burning which reduces you to black ashes. Lol ok im being very random.

I’m getting used to the freezing cold and the chilling wind once again. I also just finished my first pair of earrings being done in the UK! i must say im very pleased with it =)

All right, i’m not making much sense anymore. The medicine is taking its effect. I’m off to my (hopefully warm) bed. See you!

It’s been 1 week and a day since i got back to Edinburgh. The temperature somehow has gone up and thus the snow has melted leaving the grounds finally clear of mud, ice and slush. That’s the physical change that has taken place. In the university, tutorials have started for some (myself included) and proper lectures have also got under way. The ground of George Square has returned to its usual crowdedness and liveliness. Despite the cold and heavy snow a few days ago, many still braved the unforgiving weather to attend their due classes. I too have gone with the flow of the student body in all activities, which could be summarised in two broader categories of activities, schooling and socialising. I’ve attended all my tutorials and lectures prepared, I’ve dated all my deadlines and thought of how not to crash in week 8 when everything is due. I’ve been invited to flats for dinner, i’ve met up with some people to just catch up, i’ve known some friends better and i’ve also made new ones.  In the midst of it all, i find myself better oriented, better acquainted, more involved with the whole experience of university life. Life, it seems, moves on pretty well.

And yet, a part of me is not complete. There are also many things that had changed, irreversible changes that had left me wondering, again, how life could have been. i know i need to stop doing it. i’m constantly praying to God to help me stop but i think it will take time. I’m seriously wondering what gifts have I got from God to serve…and what on earth am i to serve…That leads me to question:

What happened to MOLI? What happened to having a very ministry of my own. What happened to the enthusiasm. I can tell you it has not died. i’m just confused about how to go about setting up and whether there is any practicality and sense in doing that. I asked God so many times what i am to do, which direction i am to take. What will become of the dream of setting a foundation for youth by youth for christ. Is it just a flash of highness, of temporal enthusiasm and feverishness for God that is a result of my high mood swing? Oh Lord, I pray that it is not. I still want so much to do something with all so-called talents (gosh is there any) and to work to contribute to His Kingdom. And then, my episode of madness happened, and everything has changed, my dreams and aspirations  gone out of my control, reshaped to the point of being unrecognisable.

So what am i to do now Lord? Although i’m doubtful of myself  which i know is a sin, i’m always reminded of your grace, so magnificent, so amazing, so awesome i can’t shield myself from. And i have my answers as well.

Things i want to pray about these things:

I will put my best into my studies to honor You.

I will be prayerful, committing 30 mins of everyday to You, praying for people, for the world, for my non-christian and also christian friends, for family, for myself.

I will start volunteering with organisations, getting real about serving Christ and getting to know how these organisations work. Oh Lord may you lead me to the ones You want me to serve.

I’m wishing to bless people with my jewellery making. I know im nowhere very skilled or adept at the art of it yet, but Lord, help me to use it to bless others. Give me inspirations and motivation.

I will learn to Love you, LOVE YOU more and in turn Love everyone around me Lord. May You increase and I decrease.

I will leave the past behind and move courageously forward, embracing my identity in Christ despite the rubbishness of my character and personality and, my illness.

I will accept my condition and be diligent in treatment.

Lord, Help me to cope with all these changes in myself, help me please to cope with all the external changes as well. Help me to let go, to please, let me be positive, life-loving and optimistic, God-loving, God-praising in all circumstances. Oh Lord Jesus, You died for me, You love me, a wretched soul, and You gave me a new leash on life. You show me how what you mean by Love, agape, unconditional in the people around me. Father, i pray You will use me to show the same Love to my friends who i LOVE, help me to have compassion for the unbelieving, the hungry and the poor, the beggars and the lost. Oh Lord, help me please.

Just a few months ago this blog gathered so many visitors i felt embarrassed and exposed talking about private things here. The situation now is such i can probably talk about anything personal in this blog and never have to worry about it being known too much to the world. The blog has gathered now cobwebs and dust, beneath which a tribute to a once glorious past still exists in malfunctioning form. Don’t worry if you don’t understand a single word i have written. It isnt meant to be understood.

My departure from this blog somehow to me signalled a brief deviation from the narrow path i was to walk to towards Christ. Days had been spent indulging in the finer things in life, in the fading memories of a past i still could not let go, in the obsession of a man i can never dream to have and now i’m left to hunger for the One that has sustained me throughout my aimless wander. The Lord has called me back to His fold. The Lord has given me strength again to bid farewell to that past and move on. How many times now have i wanted to move on and never seem to have? Countless. This time, let it be, Lord, that i truly will let go, of everything that i should have months ago, to follow You.

A mysterious reminder.

Even if i should choose to boast, i would not be a fool, because i would be speaking the truth. But i refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what i do i say. To keep me form becoming conceited because of these surpassing great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.

2 Corinthians 12: 6-7

Paul had a thorn that was causing him much pain and affliction. Three times he asked the Lord for it to be removed but it was not. Paul learnt much from the Lord when He rejected Paul’s request- he learnt to trust that God will give him strength and GRACE sufficient to overcome all pains and afflictions. Paul considered the thorn a gift; it was “given” to him. Paul finally realised that in his weakness he is strong because of God who is the provider and the comforter in his difficult situation.

How appropriate is that devotion to me! My thorn is my illness, is the troubled past that i never seem to able to forget, is letting go of someone i hold dear to my heart. I cant seem to hold back my tears now. How much  God still loves me despite how wretched a being i am. Oh Lord if You are for me who can be against me. I know this thorn is here to remind me how much I need You in my life. I will then Lord, like Paul, delight in my weakness. Use this thorn to make perfect your will in my life Lord. And to You, i surrender.

“The deepest need you and i need in weakness and adversity is not a quick relief, but the well-grounded confidence that what is happening to us is part of the greatest purpose of God in the universe- the glorification of the grace and power of his Son- the grace and power that bore him to the cross and kept him there until the work of love was done. “

John Piper

I’m feeling incredibly miserable at the moment, having endured a cold and a worsening throat infection for a few days now. I have not been physically sick in a while so the feeling of being completely, utterly unable to do anything productive swept me like a surprised snow storm to edinburgh.

Some updates of life here: i’ve found a flat and will be living with 3 other non-christian friends which i am quite adamant about right now but i think God will work out for the best.

Im going to Spain in the first week of easter break and going up to st andrews to stay with Irene for the rest of the hols.

My exam timetable is out and i finish on the 17th of May which is irritating considering some of my friends finish as early as i start!

My walk with God is not going well, im like a child who loves to go towards the direction of an amusement park and He is the father who gently but firmly holds my hands and pulling me towards the direction of Home.

Ive been reading a book called the Cross-centered Life and it reminds me that is His Grace, HIS GRACE, HIS DEATH, Jesus’s DEATH ON THE CROSS that redeems me and not how obedient i am in reading the word, in praying, in attending CU or church or anything else that i know ive not been doing regularly or with joy.

I know too that my life lately has ben fixated on something, something that i have been denying that i’ve let go but i have so not.

I know my life is a huge mess that i cant do anything about but with You and your grace i can pick up the pieces and start again. Im just grateful Lord, that you die for us on the cross. That is is the cross that enables us to live life freely without guilt and sins. Father i thank you for your providence and Your constant guidance, your love and mercy that i dont deserve Lord. I pray that you will give me the strength to pick up my own cross daily and follow You. In Jesus’ name i pray Amen.

There is something indescribable  about this life. I guess that’s why there is our God and that’s why i believe, even though my faith at this point has reached a new low, the lowest of low, that God has our life mapped out, planned according to perfection in time and space. How would i explain anh Nam’s sudden presence in my life, and how would i know how i would feel at this moment just maybe 2 months back. How too, would i know the twists and turns of life, the deep but never buried feelings of hurt someone is able to carry with them, waiting for a day to just explode? That’s how life is, unpredictable, unfathomable, sometimes.

I never knew i would be over him that easily. Did God intervene i wonder, did He divinely plan so that Nam would appear at the end of my darkest emotional journey, like a bright light leading me out of that immense pain and hurt. Then i wonder did God make it so that i would agonise about Nam not being a christian, not knowing Him so that im burdened enough to share Christ with him, just so i could dream of having him? I’ve made too many mistakes, i don’t plan to make another with N. He’s too precious, too good, for me to ruin anything. I nurtured a dream, i wrapped myself around a small spark of hope that he might actually like me every time i receive an email from him. Is it wrong that i even like him? God, I’ve not prayed for so long, but i will start praying for nam, for You to find a way to him, for me to get back to you God and for you to know I’ve missed you.

Why do i keep hanging on to a thread of hope that is continually diminishing? Why don’t i put my hope on a rock and a one true God. It’s not the big hope, the hope of hope, the one that is about the hope of my life. not that. It’s the smaller one, the hope of finding love, of finding someone i can call my own. I know i have the One, and why am i not satisfied? Am i His anymore? I’ve spent months now away from Him. Will He still welcome me back? Will He still listen if i pray?

I keep dreaming, i keep thinking, and it’s time i stop. before it gets any worse, before i hurt myself and then hurt someone else in the process. It’s so painful. but didnt God say, He gives and He takes away…

I said my first prayer for him today. I wrote it. I wrote it and i know i meant every word. And i would do it again, everyday, am i such a bad person?

Heavenly Father,

I come to you with thanksgiving that you are almighty, and that you still hear the prayers of someone whose relationship with you is in tatters. Oh Lord You know my heart’s desire and all that my thoughts are about. I just thank you that you still keep in within your reach, that I can still have the ability to reach out and pray to you Lord. Right now i just want to lift up Nam into your hands Lord. I pray that you will make yourself known to this man, and that he will learn about you Lord, that you are the one true God he has in his life and that he will learn to love you and obey you father. I pray that you will use the christians around him, lord, including me to share the gospel with him. I pray for a timing Lord, for an opportunity to share Christ with him some day. Father i ask too that you will keep him safe and healthy, even though he is not your son yet. Lord, i pray that you will cement my relationship with him as a friend, a confidant and as someone he can trust and talk to. Lord, i pray too that you will revive my faith, through him, you will show me yourself again. Lord, I just thank you that you hear my prayers. I pray all this in Jesus’, Amen.

that we’ll never be

that i really cherish those words

that I really thank God you reached me

that you unknowingly pulled me out of a slump of darkness

that i’m dumbfounded at you bothering to write

that i really wish to see you smile just once

that i can’t wait to talk to you

that I prayed for you

that I really like you.

I really wish i can tell someone how i feel. I wish I can tell God. and wish I know what His answer for me is. Yes No wait? I’ll be fine with waiting, but no? I might be able to handle that.

I’m just so thankful though. I live across the flat that he used to live in and I’m totally fine with that. I no longer feel anything for the guy who used to drive crazy (almost literally) and i’m fine even if he lives across me now. all thanks to the presence of someone now in my life. but…it feels very much like an illusion, a dream. Oh God why?

I wish i didnt send that email to wish him happy birthday. Then he wouldn’t reply like i know he would, and he wouldn’t say the words that would make my heart ache. I wish I didnt know him at all now…why does it hurt so much. I know now he feels something too, although just a bit, a very tiny bit but that feeling exists. Or i’m just wishing my words have the power to move his heart. am i a fool? but we are all fools in love. am i even in love? i sure like him, but how much? how much do i even know him? and worst of all, it will be going against God’s teaching. But what if i just keep it all in my heart. I will never tell him. I will not make that mistake again. What if i can be just thankful for knowing him? Oh Lord help me!

Last post for the term. It’s not like i posted a lot this term anyway. I just have to write these thoughts down before trying very hard to not think about them for the next 3 weeks. probably impossible but at least i tried.

I’m very far away from God right now. it makes me think if i’m even a christian to a point. I definitely believe in Christ and His saving grace, but other that, what else…Not that i dont believe in the rest of the message of the gospel, it’s just i dont do anything else but believe.

I can’t stop thinking/dreaming/wishing/imagining about him. I need to stop but HOW? the shorter the wait becomes the more i can’t control my thought. it’s addictive. At least, i can’t act on my addiction…It just makes me wonder what i will do once i meet him. I’ll probably stare…

One last thought…am i eluded by love or is it just not out there for me? I feel like i’m going to die by myself completely alone with no one to love and to hold. I have this fear that i will never be able to find that person whom i can love and who will love me for all i am. I’m just so scared…

And now we’re back to the mugging room, and to the onslaught of brain killers…

It hurts. It does. I need strength. What am i to you? a gush of wind just passed and gone? Am i too just an illusion, a non-existent person in your life?

Co Doi Lan

Ta gặp nhau, có đôi lần
Ta chờ nhau, cũng đôi lần
Rồi từng ngày như thế cứ trôi qua nhanh
Ta không kịp có nhau
Rồi từng ngày như thế, em không còn đó ngây thơ.

Em nào hay, có một ngày
Em nào hay, thế gian này
Tình cờ đưa em đến với những yêu thương
Cho em chìm đắm say
Và đưa em đến những cơn mê và đắng cay.

Và rồi anh đi mất,
Và rồi em thương nhớ,
Để giờ đây em biết rằng mình trót yêu.
Nhưng em quá ngây thơ
Nên em cứ mong chờ
Trong đêm tối bơ vơ lặng lẽ ngồi khóc.

Một lần thôi anh nhé
Một lần cho em biết
Để rồi ta không tiếc rằng mình từng có nhau
Sao đôi mắt em cay
Anh yêu có đâu hay
Có những nỗi ưu hoài
Vẫn còn mãi đây.

Rồi nhiều đêm cô đơn, hoang mang
Lang thang những con đường
Rồi nhiều lúc bối rối, chới với
Biết than cùng ai
Bàn tay ấm trao em khi xưa
Giờ xa mãi phương trời
Còn lại đây một mình em thôi
Ngồi với nỗi buồn…

So why does my heart still skip a beat? Why does every word of his still bring me so much joy? Why do i still hope/dream so much? Maybe indeed when i wake up from all this i will realise it is just a dream…

anh a,

what if i fail to see you as a brother even if time passes huh? what should i do then? should i just cry my eyes out for you then? its so easy to be you, the one who rejects me right…its so easy to be you right…