to the One who is Love

Lord, please forgive me for my wayward ways. For being idle, for not having enough faith in you and for doubting you Lord. Father I thank you for your love, and your never ending grace and mercy. Lord please forgive me of my tardiness, my laziness and idleness. 

Father I lift up Billy into your hands. Please provide for him and protect him and shower him your mercy and your love in this tough times Lord. I also pray that you will change his aunt’s heart so that she may be susceptible to meeting my parents, so that billy and I can be together.

Lord, if this is the path I have to take, please provide and make this path straight Lord. Father please give me a clear direction and help me follow the way that will please you and honor you. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

In times like this I want to ask if you are carrying me through this really difficult time of my life Lord. You always say that when I cant seem to find you walking beside me you are carrying me through. Why is everything stacked against me and Billy being together? Why the simple task of his aunt coming over so difficult? Everything in my life seems to be in a huge mess. I always look at someone else’s life and think why cant mine be the same. What have I done so wrong to deserve this? Perhaps its all down to me. I screwed up PWC, and from then on everything just snowed ball. I got into this huge delusional phrase and started a company that I cant even run and now I have to shut it down,wasted half a year doing pretty much nothing and feeling absolutely depressed about it now. It seems like I brought this upon myself. Had I gotten a secure job, I would have not gone down this path, and be so miserable that I cant stand not being together with him.

But Lord, was it me or was it my illness taking over at that time? Lord only you can save me now. Every single time I fail you have been there, through it all, through those desperate times in the hospital to my time here. Everything seems like a blur now that I dont really know what to think or do. I hate my job, I hate my current life, and I so often wish I could run from it all, with him. Father what do I do now, how can I escape this unscathed? How will my life be from now? Will I get the chance to go and do my masters and be with him or am I doomed to this fate of being apart forever? I miss him so much, so so much everyday, and all those days I wish we could change our past and undo everything bad Billy did. Am I doomed since the day I met him Lord? Is this your punishment for me?

Father please reveal your purpose and plans for my life. I’m just so out of my depth, I have nowhere else to turn to and whom to look to but you. I dont want my mom to be upset, to worry about us anymore but Im still leaning on her all the time. Lord, take my heart and make it yours. Take my life and let me live without regrets. Father please,please, please, save me from myself.

Today’s reading of Samuel really gives me a lot of hope and direction. May I not be like Saul, who covets for my own popularity and gains. Lord, I want to dedicate Jubilant Jewellery to You because this endeavour belongs to you. And may you prosper what you have started. May you use me, so mightily for your cause, for the people out there that needs a little of help, not from me, but your grace and your mercy. If I have harboured greed in my heart, then may I be severely punished for this. How can I think I can obtain earthly gain from doing your work?

Lord, could you just tell me one more time why I was rejected Pwc. My life would be so different if I was accepted. Did I really step into the right door that YOU open after that one door that I had always wanted to go in closed? Why cant I be like everybody else who has a job, a professional job in a big company that pays stable salary?  When will I be able to get this out of my head? When I stop thinking about those 4 people I met?

May I be a David, Lord. May be brave, courageous and obedient like the greatest King of Israel. May I be able to slay a Goliath, overcome mountain of fears, escape the enemy’s snare, with only my faith in you as my weapon. If You go before me, why should I be afraid Lord.

But at this moment, I need You to tell me that I am doing the right thing Lord. For me to take one more step. Because it is so hard.so.hard.

Lord, you have called me and here I am. So now use me. all of me. For you. For Christ.

Dear Lord

Thank you for your word today and your providence thus far through my family. Lord you know my needs and you have been so faithful in everything. You have taken me through the dark valleys of my mind to where the light of your love shines and your hope has given me strength.

Father you know how much that failure of not getting into pwc affects me and still haunts me. Lord only you know why that door was closed and how my life would have been if it wasn’t. Lord but only you know the paths for my life, the choices that I have made and what is the destiny and therefore Lord, help me to let go of what happened and move on. Occupy my mind with the thoughts and excitement of this new life that you have given me.

Father, cover me with your love, and empower me with your strength to get through this difficult time of starting out as a new entrepreneur, and father grant me the funding and the right advisors so that this business can take off so I can impact many lives for you. Father, I leave my own greed, selfish ambitions at your feet and lift up MOLI and JJ into your hands. Father, in due time, in your perfect timing, may they prosper and grow to become the channels of blessing and making earth your kingdom as it is in heaven.

Father thank you for hearing my prayers, thank you for reading my prayers. Thank you for being the almighty one, and thank you for being our alba father. In Jesus’ name I pray , Amen.

Father in Heaven

Thank you for your words today and your guidance to me, renewing me every morning Lord. In the name of Lord Jesus Christ, I ask that you will fill me with your holy spirit to enable me to live out my life as powerfully as a testimony for you. Because of your power Lord, grant me the strength to do the impossible things set out ahead of me regarding the business. May you always be my guide, my boss, my voice of reason and lead me the direction that is righteous and honorable. In my meeting today with Pedro of MAD, may you bless him so that he could bless me. May I say the right words, and represent JJ as a brand that cares for those who cant for themselves. May you empower me and make the meeting fruitful so I can start the business soon Lord.

I also lift up Billy into your hands and pray that you will be with him and protect him and bless him in whatever he does. Father may your words and the holy spirit make itself known to him in your own time and that he will know You are Lord and he will see you as his Lord and Savior in due time.

Father, I commit my life into this cause of caring for the destitute, caring for those who are stigmatised. May my pride and greed decrease as I seek to put the needs of those whom I help above my own. May you be the reason I do everything that I do Lord. May I never be in want of more money, more fame, or recognition but only to boast in your name. Amen

I have been reading and studying Samuel on my own. I have never really read the story of David and Goliath even though I have heard about it so often. Even after reading it, I cannot really imagine how it would feel to face a Goliath in real life. Now I do…

Setting up this social enterprise has really been doing the impossible. Making it successful is like facing a Goliath. I feel very much like David. I have nothing fanciful, no money, not a penny, not much skills or experience of battlefield (business in the modern sense), but only the will and obedience to the Lord. Last week I wonder if it was my own illusion to start this. But looking back at how things have gotten along without me doing much and how things have progressed albeit slower than I like, I can’t be doing this on my own will. Yes, my ambition and greed are there, my own craving of success and fame is also there. And that is what I think God is trying to teach me to discard. This is not a road of fame, or fortune for myself. Yes, I know deep down success will come for JJ and MOLI, but the Lord will prepare me with enough humbling lessons by then to know it is not for myself the Lord has given me this mission field.

Father in heaven,

Hallowed be thy Name, thy kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven. Father I thank you for restoring my health and cure me of the cold almost instantly overnight. Lord, I pray that may this renewed strength be used for your glory and the coming of your kingdom through my work with the social enterprise. I dedicate everything about this social enterprise, jubilant jewellery, into your hands and trust that Lord it is you who will do the work, you who will open and close doors, and bring to completion the work that you have started through me.

Lord, I pray that you will provide me with the money, the resources and the advisors that I need to make this social enterprise a success. I also pray that you will anoint those whom I met and may they share the same passion and love for the mentally ill, the destitute and the trafficked. May you bring into my midst Godly people who will be willing to partner and guide me.

Father, may I be so faithful and trusting in you to provide for my daily needs, may I never complain, or seek more than what I need, but father may you also grant the desires of my heart if they are aligned with your will. Lord, forgive me for the way I have treated my mother and Billy in the past few days. I know they love me, so allow them to forgive me and allow me to learn to love them more.

Father, I thank you for all the photographers that you have brought to me for the fashion shoot. May you bless each and everyone of them who have been in contact with me and may I be an example of Christ in my relationships with them.

Father I also pray for Billy, may he know you, may you call on him, and he will yearn for the knowledge of you, the understanding of your love for which you shower on him unconditionally. Father, may I learn to pray for my beloved daily.

Lord, it will never be easy following you and doing your work. Strengthen me, make me bold and courageous, fearless and always gracious in failures, make me a woman after your own heart today Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen

I thought one of the perks of having a family and a boyfriend is that you dont spend your birthday alone. Well, I have never felt so alone in my fucking life on a supposedly happy day. I just wish the day is over soon. All these depressing thoughts just overwhelmed me the moment I woke up.

For one, how fucking messed up I have been to deserve this. I have had a terrible week and to end it with spending your birthday alone is just icing on the cake isnt it. I just have this thought of how fucked up my life has been and still is, and I do wish, on days like this, I was not born. Ok, that’s a bit of exaggeration, but no not really. Whats there to celebrate? 25 years of depression, woos and utter failure in life and love?

If there is one day on this earth that we are allowed to be self-indulgent is on our birthday. So please excuse all this self-centeredness.

I suppose where is God in all this. The truth is I do not know. I now know why people give up doing good. Because who the fuck cares huh? Who cares about what you do if you do not have any money to support it. Who would give a damn if you want to save some lives and change people’s lives if you do not have  money and what, some white hair on your head to count as experience? Such a fucked up world.

But the vision God gives me was Nothing is impossible with Him and I still hang on tightly to that one sentence as my lifeline. If this is all just a fad, my selfish ambition to fame and fortune, then may the Lord take it all away because let me know disguise wickedness underneath the skin of goodwill.

Passages of time (archive)

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